The Dance by M.E. McGann - Short, Drama - A chance encounter at a small-town dance forces a kid to make some important decisions. 9 pages - pdf format

Writer interested in feedback on this work

A few notes as I go:

• Page 1.  I have no idea what era we're in. Is it modern times or World War 2? It turns out we're in the late 60s.
  
• Page 1.  Are Eslin and Jamie male or female? Jamie sounds like a man's name where I'm from, but could go either way. I'm not familiar with Eslin. Giving each character their own paragraph with a little more description would help.
  
• Page 1.  A lot of the dialogue sounds like it's British but trying to be American.
  
• Page 2. This isn't how normal people speak:
  
               JAMIE
  Those kids over there, I know them
  from high school. I'll catch up with
  you guys later.
  
  Instead write...
  
  Hey... I know them. Be right back.
  
  
• Page 2.  Write in the active voice instead of passive: "is doing" becomes "does". "are standing" becomes "stands".
  
• Page 3.  I don't understand the relationship among the 3 main characters. Photo work? Jealousy? Supposed to be his girlfriend? None of this makes sense. It's like there's a deeper story that we never get to.
  
• Page 4.  You write:
  
               FRANCINE
  Hey, I know Jamie. We went to high
  school together. We graduated last
  June. Class of '69. Is she here
  tonight?
  
  That's an unnatural way of telling me what year it is.
  
  Instead try:
  
            FRANCINE
  I know her. We graduated together
  last year. She here?
  
  You're going to have to work the year in somewhere else. Maybe a sign out front stating "Congratulations class of '69". You could even do it with a SUPER if it's that critical.
  

The rest of the story is more of the same with some dialogue that all seems out of place and then Eslin decides go to home with Francine.

There really isn't a story for me here though. It's just a scene out of someone's life with no real beginning, middle, or end. No stakes. Just...

"I like ice cream. Vanilla is good. I'll eat some later. I'm eating some now. Bye."

There is a faint hint of something deeper here, but the way it's written now leaves me disappointed.

-Jordan

Thanks for taking the time to read it and post your comments.
Very helpful.
Mike.

Hey Mike,

There is a disconnect between characters that works against your story, "The Dance."
I can't figure out why these three people are together.
Jamie and Hannah might have a secret attraction to Eslin, but  that's speculative.
I think he likes each female, but it's not obvious.
Each of your three main characters hint at being more complex, but you'll have to
bring that out.
Right now it's all surface level and its difficult to gauge their motivations.
Sadly, I found none of the three likable.

Francine is the only one I cared about. And in her first dialogue exchange, you've identified
her as "Skinny Blonde." After that it's Francine.

Usually when you have three odd-fitting characters that hang together, they are of the same gender
or have the same interests.
Right now I see no obvious commonality between Eslin, Hannah and Jamie that
interests me.
*
On the plus side, your story (in some crazy way) brought back to mind the
Ernest Borgnine classic, "Marty."
Loser guys on the hunt for a date, and much more.
"Marty" is full of conflict and challenges. Wonderful characters who are tested and
pushed to make tough, not easy, life decisions.
In "Dance," Eslin's choice of a partner is easy, not difficult. He had nothing going with
Hannah and Jamie. No stakes at all.

Best moment for me was when Francine shared a Maya Angelou poem and Eslin countered
with an Edward Lear poem.  And then, oh noooo.....FADE OUT.
That was a Great moment. Give us more scenes that peek into their souls.

I think you have something here, but revisit your story so it's easier to follow and
give us complex and engaging characters — not people who spread their negativity
around for no valid reason.

Good luck.

Thanks for your comments Abe.

This story was part of a much longer one which is a WIP.  I thought maybe "The Dance" it could stand on its own but I guess not.

Mike