Harry's Lad by Simon Parker - Short, Drama - Simon, a penniless gambling addict becomes a young girl's hero after he finds her locked in a loan sharks' basement, being held for an eye watering ransom. 12 pages - pdf format

Writer interested in feedback on this work

One of the most interesting narratives I've ever read. I certainly couldn't have come up with that myself. I actually think this would work better as a feature film rather than a short film because that would mean we could watch him as he develops his gambling addiction and we can spend more time adding suspense when he finds the girl in the basement.

There are a few grammatically issues.

The first line has a minor spelling mistake, cue is spelt queue regarding waiting in a line. This is nothing major but because it is in the first line it can set a bad impression.

The script says the elderly woman “groans again” but according to the script this would be the first time she groans.

I would have enjoyed a bit more visual description regarding his surroundings. Are the streets busy, what's the weather like, what time of day is it, are there any people or cars around him, are there police sirens in the background looking for him etc

I've never read a story like this before but I did enjoy it