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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    Unproduced Screenplay Discussion    Short Drama Scripts  ›  Dissonance
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  Author    Dissonance  (currently 152 views)
Don
Posted: November 24th, 2023, 11:40am Report to Moderator
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So, what are you writing?

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Dissonance by Caleb Stutheit - Short, Drama - A man struggles with reality keeping things straight and needs to recover himself before everything about him slips away. 8 pages - pdf format

Writer interested in feedback on this work



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Shakespeare on Toast
Posted: November 28th, 2023, 8:50am Report to Moderator
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Hey Caleb.

I took the plunge and dived into this project of yours.

Tony may have problems that he has to deal with but this script needs a complete overhaul.

Firstly you have action scenes where there should be a slug line.

INT/EXT. PLACE - DAY/NIGHT

Followed by Action, then possibly your character and then dialogue.

The grammar is all over the place it's difficult to begin where to start.

You defer to cliche far too often. Repeating Tony does this and Tony does that.

I really couldn't pick the bones from the narrative, except that Tony was on some sort of desperate journey because of his medication. Maybe he was suffering a solipsism, creating his own bubble that he couldn't get to grips with.

I'm sorry I cannot offer more than this but this is/was a very difficult read because you made it so.

Good luck with a rewrite. I would recommend you read screenplays and work out how format works and use a proofreading app to clear up all the grammatical stuff, like when, and when not to use caps. I would recommend YOUMESCRIPT for a template. It's dirt cheap to upgrade from the free to use basic version.

Hope this helps somewhat.


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