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Driving Miss. Lillie (currently 1188 views)
Posted: October 23rd, 2016, 6:39pm
So, what are you writing?
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Driving Miss. Lilllie
by Rodrigo Baumgartner Ayres - Short, Dramedy - Workaholic and alcoholic dad comes pick up his rebellious daughter at school. They go for a drive. 17 pages - pdf, format
Writer interested in feedback on this work
Posted: October 24th, 2016, 4:02pm
I really enjoyed the banter between the father and daughter. Your dialog flow was pretty solid but I ended the script wanting a bigger plot. Bob Come over and read River Runners if you get some time.
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Posted: October 27th, 2016, 10:12am
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I like this one in many ways. A teenage girl works her father after he picks her up at school. The banter is good, a mix between grown-up and little girl. But there's a bit too much of it. The story doesn't really take off till she gets behind the wheel, which I think you can do more quickly. Also, you need to use a comma in a direct address. 'It's time to go, Bill' is not the same as 'It's time to go Bill.' The dialogue is nice but can be scrubbed. Dad and daughter are going to pack a lot of meaning into a few words. Best Richard
Reply: 2 - 4
Posted: October 28th, 2016, 6:46pm
new york city
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Hank you for feedback guys. working on revisions!
Reply: 3 - 4
Posted: September 3rd, 2017, 10:43am
English, self taught comedy writer
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Jeff has done very well to remain out of jail. Surely Lillie's teachers or whatever would have concerns about Jeff's overt criminality. It seems to be almost constant. Even so the father and daughter have an interesting relationship with each other and your script has a fair bit of action in it. I still wanted more, though. Getting the police involved would have made your work more exciting, definitely.
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