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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    Unproduced Screenplay Discussion    Short Dramedy Scripts  ›  The Wunderkind and The Underachiever
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  Author    The Wunderkind and The Underachiever  (currently 705 views)
Don
Posted: January 9th, 2018, 12:09am Report to Moderator
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So, what are you writing?

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The Wunderkind and The Underachiever by Pharaoh Knighton - Short, Dramedy - When two opposite of brothers go to their fathers funeral, emotions take over. 8 pages - pdf, format

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khamanna
Posted: January 9th, 2018, 11:27am Report to Moderator
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It's a bit talky for me. I think you could cut on some and make it to the point. Also add some texture, interesting recollections or something.

Maybe a nice brother moment?

I liked where it was going, the mother not liking the messed up brother part. What did Dad do to him is unclear, I even thought Dad raped his son at some point. It's also not clear why Dad acted this way, you left it out intentionally but I wish it was there. So in this respect, the short is somewhat undone for me.

I also wish there's some kind of twist at the end. Logan loosing it all, and not only his car getting towed. Although it does read satisfying and making you understand that fine things are not forever and everything can change at any given moment, but I still wish it was more.
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CrackedAces
Posted: January 9th, 2018, 10:14pm Report to Moderator
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Too soap opera-ry for me. Wall to wall dialogue.

A beat hear and there are like speed bumps in the story, so are "pause" and "big pause." Instad of BEATS and PAUSES, have your subject do something simple like -- he takes a drag from the cig. -- he gives her a kiss on the cheek. -- et al.  Or take a cheap way out by using dashes. --.

The "CUT TO:" then "THE END" needs NO comment.




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