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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    Unproduced Screenplay Discussion    Short Dramedy Scripts  ›  This Is For You - Optioned
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  Author    This Is For You - Optioned  (currently 767 views)
Don
Posted: March 18th, 2018, 10:21am Report to Moderator
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So, what are you writing?

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This Is For You by Austin Valdez - Short, Dramedy - After an unexpected encounter at the bar, Tim is forced to face his inner demons and reveals a dark secret that nobody knows.  17 pages

production: 2 locations - Bar (INT/EXT) and Apartment Bedroom; 6 Speaking Roles; Some special make-up effects. - pdf, format

Writer interested in feedback on this work



Visit SimplyScripts.com for what is new on the site.


-------------
You will miss 100% of the shots you don't take.
- Wayne Gretzky

Revision History (5 edits; 1 reasons shown)
Don  -  August 9th, 2018, 12:14pm
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AustinT
Posted: March 18th, 2018, 8:51pm Report to Moderator
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Hello!

I'm so sorry, this is my script. I forgot to submit it under my account. I thought I had fixed it from last week. Oh, well, I hope people read and respond.

Thank you!
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Flossy Freeman
Posted: March 28th, 2018, 8:05am Report to Moderator
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Cute story and easy read!  Good luck.
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AustinT
Posted: March 29th, 2018, 8:35pm Report to Moderator
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Thanks, Flossy

I appreciate the read!  Are there any scripts of yours that you'd liked to be read?
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eldave1
Posted: March 29th, 2018, 9:29pm Report to Moderator
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Austin - your writing is pretty solid - you handle some back and forths (dream vs. reality) very deftly.

Sorry - but not a great fan of the story.  It left me feeling and.....?

You have talent though, IMO.


My Scripts can all be seen here:

http://dlambertson.wix.com/scripts
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AustinT
Posted: March 31st, 2018, 7:43pm Report to Moderator
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Hey, Dave

Thanks for the read and I appreciate the compliment!

As for the story - to each his own.  

I have definitely thought more about how to expand this story and these characters into a feature because I think they have some interesting places to go. After writing this, I had a couple of intriguing revelations about my two leads and I want to see them go on a journey together. Maybe that will give the story a less of an "and . . .?" effect.

If you don't mind me asking, what about the story did you find to be lacking or uninteresting?

Does it end too abruptly?

Thanks for the feedback!
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eldave1
Posted: March 31st, 2018, 7:57pm Report to Moderator
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Quoted from AustinT
Hey, Dave

Thanks for the read and I appreciate the compliment!

As for the story - to each his own.  

I have definitely thought more about how to expand this story and these characters into a feature because I think they have some interesting places to go. After writing this, I had a couple of intriguing revelations about my two leads and I want to see them go on a journey together. Maybe that will give the story a less of an "and . . .?" effect.

If you don't mind me asking, what about the story did you find to be lacking or uninteresting?

Does it end too abruptly?

Thanks for the feedback!


So it ends like this:


Quoted Text
Tim, all alone, walks down the deserted street. Hands in his
pocket.

For a moment, he stops in his tracks, but he doesn’t look
back.


So - you open with Tim preferring to fantasize about what could have been with the three different woman in your script.  Presumably he lacks the fortitude to actually interact with people. At the end of the story he's in exactly the same place. We're left with a man who's afraid to interact with people.  No arc - no change - basically the same dude in the same situation at the end.  That's what I found lacking/uninteresting.

Hope this helps.


My Scripts can all be seen here:

http://dlambertson.wix.com/scripts
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AustinT
Posted: March 31st, 2018, 8:47pm Report to Moderator
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Ahhhhh, I understand.

I guess I always saw it as a tragedy that he doesn't change, but you're right, that does make for a some what uninteresting character.

When I was writing it, I toyed with the idea that he goes back to the bar and starts a dialogue with the girl but it didn't seem right to me. Not unless I expand the story which I think I could. I see a specific trajectory for Tim's character.

Thanks again for the help!
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eldave1
Posted: March 31st, 2018, 8:49pm Report to Moderator
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Quoted from AustinT
Ahhhhh, I understand.

I guess I always saw it as a tragedy that he doesn't change, but you're right, that does make for a some what uninteresting character.

When I was writing it, I toyed with the idea that he goes back to the bar and starts a dialogue with the girl but it didn't seem right to me. Not unless I expand the story which I think I could. I see a specific trajectory for Tim's character.

Thanks again for the help!


No problem - good luck with it


My Scripts can all be seen here:

http://dlambertson.wix.com/scripts
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FrankM
Posted: April 6th, 2018, 1:46pm Report to Moderator
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Hi Austin,

I thought this was an interesting idea, especially if you give Tim a chance to develop (maybe he starts fantasizing about breakups the moment he actually talks to a girl?).

I have my doubts that something like

He stays back, for now. It could happen.

can be filmed without a voice-over or similar.

One suggestion would be to use a shot instead of a slugline when a fantasy ends. Instead of

Then . . .

INT. BAR - NIGHT (MOMENTS BEFORE)

BACK TO REALITY. Tim sits on the bar stool, watching Lady and Guy Friend.


it could just be

BACK TO REALITY

Tim sits on the bar stool, watching Lady and Guy Friend.


Eventually it's clear what's happening, but you might consider having him shake his head "to clear it" when coming back to reality. Or not, if you want to keep the audience guessing.

Best of luck!


Family feature: Who Wants to Be a Princess?
Sci-Fi short trilogy: Timmy
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AustinT
Posted: April 6th, 2018, 7:01pm Report to Moderator
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Hey there, Frank! Thanks for the read.


Quoted Text
I thought this was an interesting idea, especially if you give Tim a chance to develop (maybe he starts fantasizing about breakups the moment he actually talks to a girl?).

I have my doubts that something like

He stays back, for now. It could happen.

can be filmed without a voice-over or similar.



What I was going for was that it's easy for Tim to look at these woman ( who he's never met, can't really hear them speaking over the ambiance of the bar and ultimately knows nothing about them) and see them as 2-dimensional people who he can have "no-strings-attached" sex with.

When Shayna enters, he is, for better or worse, able to see her personality. She interacts with the bartender and Tim can see that she is witty, confident, likes scotch and is a fun presence. Because of this, he sees Shayna as a 3-dimensional character, or more so than the other women he was fantasizing about.  Now, he's kind of forced to imagine a relationship with this girl.

He is somewhat of a comitt-ophobe which is why his fantasy ultimately turns on him and kills him. It's the guilt and fear he has of hurting another person because he doesn't trust himself.

I guess that's why he only imagines breaking up with Shayna. Although, I like your idea and I'll put some thought into that.

As for the action block with the underlined dialogue, I was trying to find my voice as a scriptwriter. It's intended for the actor to look at it and give that facial reaction. A raise of the eyebrow with a titled head and smile could convey that idea that runs through the character's head. I know it can't be filmed, but I feel like it's a part of my voice. I don't use it too often in scripts to where I feel it becomes too gimicky but . . . I don't know.

Just trying to be different, I guess  


Quoted Text
One suggestion would be to use a shot instead of a slugline when a fantasy ends. Instead of

Then . . .

INT. BAR - NIGHT (MOMENTS BEFORE)

BACK TO REALITY. Tim sits on the bar stool, watching Lady and Guy Friend.

it could just be

BACK TO REALITY

Tim sits on the bar stool, watching Lady and Guy Friend.



I think visually on the page, the slug lines I have in there were more appealing. IMO.

But I'll definitely keep this in mind.


Quoted Text
Eventually it's clear what's happening, but you might consider having him shake his head "to clear it" when coming back to reality. Or not, if you want to keep the audience guessing.


I did want to keep the audience guessing and on their toes. Although, is it too confusing to the point where no one will care enough to get through? In your opinion?

Thanks again for the feedback!

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AustinT
Posted: April 6th, 2018, 7:03pm Report to Moderator
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I also wanted to update everyone...

I have been approached by a producer who wants to turn this script into an Animated Short Film of all things.

Haven't made any solid plans yet but I wanted to thank you all for your feedback and encouragement!

Hopefully something cool will come out of this!
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eldave1
Posted: April 6th, 2018, 7:23pm Report to Moderator
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Good news - Best of luck -


My Scripts can all be seen here:

http://dlambertson.wix.com/scripts
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FrankM
Posted: April 6th, 2018, 7:41pm Report to Moderator
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You forgot that Shayna is also frugal, not letting that Scotch go to waste


Quoted from AustinT
I did want to keep the audience guessing and on their toes. Although, is it too confusing to the point where no one will care enough to get through? In your opinion?


It was definitely clear by the end, so keeping folks guessing is fine. As far as formatting it as a shot or a scene, that's definitely a style/taste thing. If you're talking about hand-drawn animation (does that even happen anymore?), every change in background is effectively a new scene anyway.

Best of luck getting this produced!


Family feature: Who Wants to Be a Princess?
Sci-Fi short trilogy: Timmy
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AustinT
Posted: April 24th, 2018, 5:35am Report to Moderator
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Hey, everyone!

So I just uploaded a new revised draft (Thanks, Don!), and I was hoping you guys would take a look at it.

I took your feedback and used it to try and enhance script.

Hope you all like it!
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