Numbers: 16 by Alan Clark - Short, Family, Bible, Animation - When challenged by a group of angry followers, Moses leaves it up to God to decide who's who, and who's not who.  9 pages  - pdf, format

Writer interested in feedback on this work

Hi Alan,

Quoted Text with earrings hanging out of every orifice

Technically they would only be hanging out of his ears. Does he have nose rings, eyebrow rings, is that what you mean?

Quoted Text DATHAN slams his hand against a wooden post. He looks at Korah before his emotions spew forth before the congregation

I don't like this constant use of formatting choice, it really messes with the read "Dathan slams his hand..." achieves the exact same purpose, our focus is still on Dathan.

That was tough to get through. Not for me.

I think the general formatting has room for improvement.

Story wise, this will divide people because of the subject matter. I'm not going to turn this into a religious discussion, but for me the story was still lacking in substance.

All the best.

How does someone get fat in the desert? Anyway, I'm not sure what to say about this one, really, as I've never been a fan of biblical films. As far as I know this was a perfectly reasonable script, but to me I found it a bit dull. That's not surprising as the subject was so serious. I think making your script more entertaining would be inappropriate, so this is a tough one. As far as I'm concerned I didn't really think anything was wrong with it. If you ever got this filmed, maybe all the action could compensate for the seriousness.

Simon,

What a simple, but important question you asked at the beginning of your feedback of this short. It had to be answered in the body of the script. Your question brought forth the important use of birds in the story, as well as the overall tone, right from the beginning. Your question made a huge impact on ‘Numbers: 16’.
Thanks!

Warren,

You’re right! This “Dathan” should be brought down to the action lines with only the first letter in caps. People will be divided with or without this little screenplay. I can only hope to be part that process.

God Bless,

Alan