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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    Unproduced Screenplay Discussion    Short Family Scripts  ›  Phoenix Dreams
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  Author    Phoenix Dreams  (currently 102 views)
Don
Posted: November 10th, 2019, 10:58am Report to Moderator
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So, what are you writing?

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Phoenix Dreams by Patricia Bruce - Short, Crime, Family - As witness to the murder of her mother, a successful, young actress struggles with demons of reality and fiction. 6 pages - pdf format

Writer interested in feedback on this work



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StevenClark
Posted: November 10th, 2019, 2:03pm Report to Moderator
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Cast Your Fate To The Wind

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Patricia, to be honest with you I had a hard time following along with this. In your opening it says Phoenix and Dominique are on a drug bust or something then Domenique has her fun leveled at Phoenix’ forehead? Then there’s talk about lesbianism and prostitution, but one of your genre listings is family (!). Strange.

I’d like to come back around and comment further if you’re around.

Steve


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Bayne
Posted: November 10th, 2019, 7:34pm Report to Moderator
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This is indeed very hard to follow. The revelation that everything takes place on a movie set makes the entire stakeout story meaningless, especially in relation to the flashback of Phoenix murdering her mother. The story needs focus; it's a scramble of several different plots that don't relate to each other. Curious to hear your intentions with this one...
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PCanadian
Posted: November 12th, 2019, 12:48am Report to Moderator
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Hello Steve and Hello Bayne:

Thanks for your insight and excellent reviews -
It's obvious my screenplay needs clarification and a better focus.

The initial scene is on a movie set and I should have made this clear from the beginning.

For a number of years, Phoenix has been given love and support from everyone in the community.  And why not - she witnessed the murder of her murder!   In fact, it was Phoenix's testimony that sent her father to jail for life for murdering his wife  (Phoenix's mother.)

But after years of deceit, it becomes apparent (in a surprise twist) that it was actually Phoenix who murdered her mother!!!

Thanks again for all your valuable assistance!!

Regards
Patricia




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Kirsten
Posted: November 17th, 2019, 7:49am Report to Moderator
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Giving up is not an option....

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Hi Patricia,

I had a hard time following this too, but I did like your characterization of Phoenix. She popped off the page.

I think it would make more sense that the film she stars in is also written by her. That would link the movie sequence in with the reveal. She writes a movie based on her own crime.

It's also not necessary to write that she killed the mother, and that it wasn't the father. It's somewhat clear from her walking around with the knife she's the killer... maybe add that she is covered in blood splatters to make it really obvious she was the one doing the stabbing.

It's hard for all of us  to get a clear picture of what's in your head onto the page, but I think you need to try and focus on slugs.... i.e the very first slug you have.. EXT. STAKE-OUT - NIGHT.. We need to know straight away where they are... EXT. ALLY WAY - NIGHT.   the use of the stake out doesn't tell us where they are.

You also didn't need to name Matt, because he's not important, he's just one of the people in the background. Like the prostitute and drug dealers.

Anyways, just keep writing, and read lots of scripts. And pay attention to the sluglines in those scripts.

Cheers Kirsten


"Turn that off, our friend has just been killed in a fatal sunlight accident!"....

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