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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    Unproduced Screenplay Discussion    Short Horror  ›  Trick or Treat
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  Author    Trick or Treat  (currently 190 views)
Posted: September 17th, 2019, 6:29pm Report to Moderator

So, what are you writing?

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Trick or Treat by Steven Sallie - Short, Horror - On Halloween night, a group of 12-year-old boys get more than they bargained for when they decide to spy on a suspicious neighbor. 14 pages - pdf format

Writer interested in feedback on this work

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Posted: September 18th, 2019, 3:27pm Report to Moderator
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Hello Steven,

your logline reads like a classical, well-known plot, which isn't necessarily bad of course if you do it right.

I've also seen your title quite often before, so I checked it. Here's a link to imdb's exact title search

Again, this doesn't mean a lot if the execution kills it, just be aware that others, filmmakers etc. may also know this general selling package you offer here. Just food for thoughts…

"looks through the eye of a camera"

Do you mean a viewfinder or a display?
Imo, if you write a movie, this visual "idea" of yours should be technically correct and clear.

The old man carries a mysterious bag outside part feels truly dusted.

Okay, read it all…

It's too generic. I mean, few of the first 10 pages is economically told regarding its true visual experience that'll be on screen. The picture is just slow while the dialogue is overwritten for what is. Then I hoped for the huge third act punch that may have saved you with an advice to drastically cut it - but it just went along.

I liked some of the characterization and the language of the boys felt overall authentic.

However for thirteen plus minutes, I'd need more specific story characteristics, something fresh, maybe surprising, to lastly feel entertained.

It's a solid presentation but not the kind I'd personally call enough.

All best

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