Quoted Text Look at what American Pie did for apple pie?  Lol. For some reason, I see him dipping his bullets in honey mustard then putting them in the gun.

Lol. Not sure about him dipping the bullets in honey mustard. What I was going for was something that Troma might film, though I wanted the setting to be in a grounded, realistic backdrop. Yes, I know, he pours honey mustard on his genitals, but I just wanted one touch of perversion here to somehow further suggest how deprived this guy is (without having to add two pages of backstory, spelling out why he is how he is on this particular day, being too obvious and spoon-feeding everything to the audience). The dipping of the bullets in honey mustard doesn't feel impulsive enough.

Quoted Text Michael, Read this. Written well, of course, but this one didn’t do it for me. What’s missing, I think, is a potent plot twist and a protagonist I can get behind. I liked Patricia, just not enough. Having been a waiter, just a douchebag having a bad day and bitching about honey mustard isn’t enough to put me into axe murderer mode. It would take a lot more. However, another page or two giving me more of a look into Patricia’s world might do the trick. Perhaps she has a young child in the hospital - something like that, if it was tied in, might do the trick. Steve

I've waited tables for 20 years... and I've had physical altercations with people over things just as mundane, sometimes even less. No, I didn't hunt them down and turn ax murderer, but I'm sure if he shot me in the face and then brutally gunned down my co-workers AFTER the honey mustard incident (like what happens in the script), there's a chance I might see red. Especially after dealing with everyday life things. As for giving an extra two pages specifically for backstory, kinda feels like a pace killer to me. I wanted to create something bleak, something jarring yet something silly and somewhat perverse. There's small details that suggest backstory elements (the eviction notice, the child custody thing with child support), but adding full 2 page scenes specifically for backstory feels forced to me. I feel like each character's character is explained enough through their actions given the circumstances presented to them within the narrative (but I could be wrong). But let's take a film like "Taxi Driver"... would showing flashbacks of Travis Bickle in Vietnam really add to his character? Showing him with his parents and other relationships outside of Cybil Shepherd and the guys from the taxi depot? I'm not saying the characters in "Honey Mustard" are nearly as rich, but explaining every aspect of a character's behavior sounds, to me, like something that would fit better in a different story. I feel like, especially in a short film, there's enough backstory. And let us not forget that not every character in every story is sane like you and me and will make the same decisions as you and me.

Quoted Text I liked it. I took the fact he poured it down his pants was to show just how much he loves the stuff so with everything else, no money, not being able to pay rent, this was just the last straw. Oh and it take a lot more to turn Patricia into an axe murderer, it was the murder of her co-workers and her being shot lol

Exactly.

Quoted Text Having her standing there as he closed the fridge door was very predictable but so what.

Yeah, could probably have a more creative way to have her emerge.

Michael

I thought this was going to be a standard "going postal" style revenge fantasy, which it kind of is...but there is also a wonderfully adept piece of misdirection thrown in there that I didn't see coming. It really pays off when the penny drops.

Sharp, biting humour throughout as well, a real, nasty misanthropic edge that I dug. Good job.

Col.

Hey thanks, Colkurtz... this actually inspired the feature version. Changed some names around to give it a fresh start, gave the characters more depth, gave it more of a story. But the twist is pretty much the same as the feature (one of the twists)... though in the feature, it happens 40 pages in.

Thanks again for reading.

-- Michael

I see you made the scriptshadow list with this one - atta go, mate!

Thanks man (of course, it was the feature version, not the short). Guess he loved the first 10 pages! Hopefully, he digs the first 60. I feel like the script only gets better as it builds, so crossing my fingers. It's definitely the most commercial thing I've ever written, which is up Carson's alley.

Quoted from spesh2k Thanks man (of course, it was the feature version, not the short). Guess he loved the first 10 pages! Hopefully, he digs the first 60. I feel like the script only gets better as it builds, so crossing my fingers. It's definitely the most commercial thing I've ever written, which is up Carson's alley.

My bad - I searched on Honey Mustard and assumed I arrived at the thread for the feature.  

Anyway - hoping you get to the next level with it. It's a goodie

Quoted from eldave1 My bad - I searched on Honey Mustard and assumed I arrived at the thread for the feature.   Anyway - hoping you get to the next level with it. It's a goodie

Thanks, man, hoping that I at least get some requests for reads.

Quoted from spesh2k Thanks, man, hoping that I at least get some requests for reads.

BTW - did you submit your latest draft to Carson (he's allowing for updates - just want to make sure you saw that).

I'm pretty sure I did, the last draft I did was like in May or June.