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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    Unproduced Screenplay Discussion    Short Horror  ›  Operation: Trick 'R Treat
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  Author    Operation: Trick 'R Treat  (currently 89 views)
Don
Posted: October 5th, 2019, 2:58pm Report to Moderator
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So, what are you writing?

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Operation: Trick 'R Treat by Steven Sallie - Short, Horror - Things take an unexpected turn as a group of boys hit their neighborhood in search of the best candy. 14 pages - pdf format

Writer interested in feedback on this work



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Fais85
Posted: October 6th, 2019, 2:27am Report to Moderator
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It was predictable but well written. You can decrease the predictability by adding more suspense in the end.

SPOILER

Instead of Hader explaining to the kids that all they saw is a lie, the kids should find out themselves.

For example, they see Hader going somewhere and they jump inside the house. There they find out that it's not a body but a prop and the blood is fake. When they are about to go, Hader shows up out of nowhere. They say sorry to the old man about all the misunderstandings and leave. Then comes your final scene. This will give more impact.
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MikeCashman
Posted: October 7th, 2019, 12:51pm Report to Moderator
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I agree.  Somewhat predictable, but well written.  The story flowed and keeps the reader interested.  More suspenseful could really bring the fear level up.  Having the boys go into the house and recognize the body, not a bad thought.  But with the boys knowing that their "friend" is dead, how would they be able to live with that without saying something to either their parents or to the police?  

There are several avenues that can be taken with this story, if you were to add more to it.  Meaning, the boys find their friend in the house, confront Hader, like they did outside of the house.  The boys run to the police and try to explain that Hader has killed a friend of theirs, but of course the police do not believe this and feel that it is a "Halloween prank", and tell the boys to go home.

One by one, each of the boys in the group are haunted by Hader.  The only way they can prove to anyone, or the police, that Hader has committed murder, is by having Hader get caught in his own lie.

Just a thought.  Otherwise, the story reads well, but it does end with the reader knowing that Hader is the maniac.
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Busy Little Bee
Posted: October 11th, 2019, 6:11pm Report to Moderator
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Hey, Steven

I think the Faise85 nailed it. Another draft with suspense in mind couldn’t hurt.

BLB.


Commodus: But the Emperor Claudius knew that they were up to something. He knew they were busy little bees. And one night he sat down with one of them and he looked at her and he said, "Tell me what you have been doing, busy little bee..."
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