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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    Unproduced Screenplay Discussion    Short Horror  ›  Packaging
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Don
Posted: October 24th, 2019, 12:01pm Report to Moderator
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So, what are you writing?

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Packaging by Rob Barkan - Short, Horror - A young couple's stopover at an isolated mini-mart grows more mysterious--and dangerous--with each passing minute.  6 pages - pdf format

Writer interested in feedback on this work



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stevemiles
Posted: October 26th, 2019, 5:45am Report to Moderator
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Rob,

To be honest, I nearly skipped over this because of the title.  Others may disagree.

I like the premise.  The idling cars, fake packaging etc. create a degree of tension and help to drive the mystery.  I wanted to know what happened to all those other patrons so it worked enough keep me reading.

To me it felt like Burke gives up because it suits the story rather than play out as a believable reaction.  No anger, rage or attempt at rescue or flee - just an abrupt surrender. Itís not entirely certain what heís stepping outside to await - the danger (that heís seen) was inside with Cathy getting pulled into the ceiling.  Unless heís seen something outside that I missed?

Could it do with some hint as to how these spiders got to be so smart?  Does feel like thereís room here for a little more.  Maybe not one to dwell on too deeply.  Itís an entertaining idea and I was with you most of the way; just not entirely on board with the characterís reaction at the end.

A few niggles:

First sentence is a bit of a mouthful which stands out going into the read.  Though I do appreciate the bookend approach.

Why do we only hear the crickets when he steps out of the car?

I like the packaging drifting slowly through the air - thatís a great WTF moment.  Though wouldnít Burke have noticed the cups are made of silk?  Can you fill a silk coffee cup?

Cathy seems to use Burkeís name a lot.  Doesnít sound all that natural.

Good luck with it.  Hope this helps.

Steve


My short scripts can be found here on my new & improved budget website:


http://stevemiles80.wixsite.com/sjmilesscripts
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