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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    Unproduced Screenplay Discussion    Short Horror  ›  For The Take
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Don
Posted: November 18th, 2019, 3:20pm Report to Moderator
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So, what are you writing?

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For The Take by Simon Parker - Short, Horror - A new father scared that he's not good enough to be a father or husband, turns to crime for money only to have his life saved by the ghost of the old woman he helped mug and leave for dead. 9 pages - pdf format

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AndyJ
Posted: November 19th, 2019, 5:33pm Report to Moderator
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There is a typo should be baby you have bay
Another typo as a look should be has a look
There is no need to keep using "EDWARDS HOUSE" in your headings
There is too much dialogue on the phone. They have not spoken in years and Edward is telling Steven everything.
Another typo never needed money should be ever needed money
You say slow carefully steps it should be careful steps
Another typo dare more should be dare move
You say Steven is still dead, well he would be, he's dead

I didn't get the ghost, she was supposed to be the ghost of the woman who hadn't died?
Also why would the ghost be so ugly.

I think the story could have been better and it felt very rushed, Edward had all the bills and stuff in the car and he took the car out, when he got back Abby  said she saw all the bills... how?


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Dan_P
Posted: December 11th, 2019, 7:50pm Report to Moderator
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Hi Simon! I pretty much agree with AndyJ's comment - I don't understand how there can be a ghost, if the old woman is still alive? If she has supernatural powers and is able to "punish" the two thieves in this fashion, I think you have to explain or set it up somehow. You could, for example, hint at the woman being into black magic or maybe not being human at all.

Also, there are some typos and awkward sentences, that can easily be weeded out, if you read through it again.

The script felt overwritten in some places. You tell us something, and then kind of repeat it right after:

"He takes a tray out from the inside of it and there's two burnt to a crisp pieces of ham. They're ruined". - If the ham's burnt to a crisp, I'm pretty sure it's ruined  

"It's all too much for him. ...he tries and fails to make sense of it all." - Again sort of the same idea written twice.

And when Edward is on the phone, he mentions some things to Steven, and then just repeats them in the next scene ("I want to leave them enough money" & "Well here I am").

But I must say, that I really like the idea of an overwhelmed father changing his attitude after he comes face to face with something supernatural. There's definitely some potential there!  
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