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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    Unproduced Screenplay Discussion    Short Horror  ›  Farmhouse
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Don
Posted: February 9th, 2020, 2:48pm Report to Moderator
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So, what are you writing?

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Farmhouse by Simon Parker - Short, Horror - Three Children not knowing when their parents will return go to a local farm in search of food, but it holds a dark secret. 5 pages - pdf format

Writer interested in feedback on this work



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Dreamscale
Posted: February 10th, 2020, 1:21pm Report to Moderator
Of The Ancients


Yes, that is my real hair...

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Simon, your name sounds familiar, and I think you post alot of scripts here.  But reading this, I get the feeling you're a brand new writer, as this is just littered with mistakes.

Your title page is a complete mess.  Why would you be OK with the way it looks?  I don't get it.

You omit FADE IN.  I just recently had a "discussion" with someone about commenting on the lack of a FADE IN.  His position was that anyone who would bring this up, was a complete Arsehole, who had no idea what they were talking about.  I disagree, but more importantly, I'll ask you a simple question - If you're going to skip FADE IN, why end with FADE TO BLACK?  Know what I'm saying?

The writing on display here is not good...at all.  It's awkward, It's lacking commas everywhere.  Some tenses are wrong.  It's just not good, sorry to say.

But the killer here is the story itself.  It makes absolutely ZERO sense as written and is completely unbelievable.  Where are the parents?  The kids are still in school - why don't they at least eat lunch there?  Why don't they tell anyone?  So many things any one of them could do to fix this situation.  The farm/scarecrow/farmer thing is just ludicrous...and then Eric dies.  Oh man, I can't wait for the sequel to see what Fred and Lora do next.

Sorry, but this needs so much work.  


To ski or not to ski...that's not even a question.
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eldave1
Posted: February 10th, 2020, 1:34pm Report to Moderator
Of The Ancients



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Quoted from Dreamscale
Simon, your name sounds familiar, and I think you post alot of scripts here.  But reading this, I get the feeling you're a brand new writer, as this is just littered with mistakes.

Your title page is a complete mess.  Why would you be OK with the way it looks?  I don't get it.

You omit FADE IN.  I just recently had a "discussion" with someone about commenting on the lack of a FADE IN.  His position was that anyone who would bring this up, was a complete Arsehole, who had no idea what they were talking about.  I disagree, but more importantly, I'll ask you a simple question - If you're going to skip FADE IN, why end with FADE TO BLACK?  Know what I'm saying?

The writing on display here is not good...at all.  It's awkward, It's lacking commas everywhere.  Some tenses are wrong.  It's just not good, sorry to say.

But the killer here is the story itself.  It makes absolutely ZERO sense as written and is completely unbelievable.  Where are the parents?  The kids are still in school - why don't they at least eat lunch there?  Why don't they tell anyone?  So many things any one of them could do to fix this situation.  The farm/scarecrow/farmer thing is just ludicrous...and then Eric dies.  Oh man, I can't wait for the sequel to see what Fred and Lora do next.

Sorry, but this needs so much work.  


Jeff. You won't get a response. He never does.


My Scripts can all be seen here:

http://dlambertson.wix.com/scripts
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Dreamscale
Posted: February 10th, 2020, 4:01pm Report to Moderator
Of The Ancients


Yes, that is my real hair...

Location
Cave Creek, AZ
Posts
11373
Posts Per Day
2.43

Quoted from eldave1


Jeff. You won't get a response. He never does.


OK, thanks for the heads up, Dave.



To ski or not to ski...that's not even a question.
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eldave1
Posted: February 10th, 2020, 4:07pm Report to Moderator
Of The Ancients



Location
Southern California
Posts
5977
Posts Per Day
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Quoted from Dreamscale


OK, thanks for the heads up, Dave.



Not a problem


My Scripts can all be seen here:

http://dlambertson.wix.com/scripts
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