Fear of the Unknown by Abeer Mustafa - Short, Horror - After she recovers from a life threatening disease in a hospital, an unknown creature haunts her, controls her and takes her closer to death. 29 pages - pdf format

Writer interested in feedback on this work

The menace in the story named Unknown was a nice touch. It wearing hospital scrubs made it come across kind of silly though.

The chunks of action should be broken up more. Large paragraphs into two or three lines is easier to read and visualize.

The banter between the sisters didn't come across as authentic or real at all. They sounded like fighting six-year-olds. Sorry. However, I found the doctor's dialog to be quite natural and sophisticated.

Some other typos. One of the characters, I believe it was Jane, calls out the name Jennifer three times, but each time it is spelled different: "Jenifer - Jannifer - Jennifer." ??

Ending was good and peaceful. Didn't follow the usual "everything is fine now... But Wait!" tack-on scare.

Not much to add from Arundel's reply above but was wondering why the Unknown flipped between being "The Creature" to "Her"?

There are many grammatical errors and you need to proof read and reread again to ensure these are picked up before posting your script.

I thought it was a good read and enjoyed it in parts but obviously needs some work.

Well done.