Hey John,

Thought I’d take a look at this for you.  Up to page 6 and the story, for me, is pretty easy to follow along with. So far I’m seeing everything you want me to, so I issues there. Writing is concise and clear.

My only issues so far are your constant use of cut to, back to and SFX. They are entirely not necessary. I mean, at one point you have (remembering) something like —

SFX: Fists pounding at the door.

So, why would you put the SFX when Fiats pounding at the door tells us all we need to know anyway? Not sure why you’re so insistent on this.

Sorry, did this in two posts. Anyway—

Yeah, so the same as I said above about the cut to’s and what not. They’re just unnecessary. And that’s not just an opinion.

As far as the story goes, there really isn’t a twist or a hook or a captivating moment that begs me to read on to see what happens. Is this going to be something longer? I think you made mention of that, however, as a short it kind of falls flat. Now, that is an opinion!

One other thing - from the time Lipinski is caught to the time he is hung. Did that happen like the next day or something? There’s nothing in there to show any kind of passage of time, and that was a bit strange. As it reads, one would think Lipinski hung just a day or hours after commuting the crime.

No backstory here. Why did Lipinski commit murder? An axe to grind? Did he have an affair with this woman? An explanation is needed here, even if he is just a loon who kills just for the fun of it.

And Issac? Later in the story, he calls two women slurs — prostitute and slut. Does Isaac have something against ladies of the night? Does he have issues with women in general? Would be interesting to know.

Best of luck!

Steve

Hey Steve, thanks for your feedback. I've taken on board about the cut to's and SFX bits and bobs.

As far as the story and plot go, this is an early draft, since the narrative is based on fact and little is known about Isaac Angel thereafter, which is why I kill him off.

Lipski was hanged soon after his conviction and the motive is clear - he was obsessed with Miriam Angel and sought his chance to rape and murder her. No other reason.

Isaac then goes AWOL and continues on a path of revenge against prostitutes, because he has lost everything dear to him. Those were brutal times in British history and in London's east end there was no such word as mercy.

Hope this helps.

Gotcha. It helps knowing that. Just remember, if you choose to rewrite again, to convey that more clearly to the reader. And , you know, you’re a writer… make stuff up if it furthers your story or adds intrigue and drama!

Steve