Guttersnipe by John Stone - Short, Horror, Period Drama - The vicious murder of a pregnant women leads to historic consequences. 12 pages - pdf format

Writer interested in feedback on this work

A true crime tale of rape, murder, revenge, and remorse that didn't deliver.

There were some typos that really confused things such as naming Isaac, Lipski.
The fact that the landlady and the murder happened to share the same last name but aren't related needs to be cleared up to avoid confusion.

Some of the dialogue is stilted and doesn't sound natural.

A lot of the formatting is wrong.

There might be a decent story here, but with all the errors and the choppy writing... it's not for me.

-Jordan

Yes agree there are some typos which have not been updated yet. I did send another version but still waiting for the update to be published.

!. Horrific murder and rape of Miriam Angel.

Language Victorian English.

If this isn't gruesome enough, I apologize, but this was an historic murder which was linked to Jack the Ripper.

Format problem?

Thanks for your  read and review. Much appreciated.

revised format up and running.

Format error:

• Page 2. You don't have (more) for the dialogue when it goes from page 2 to page 3. Again on page 8 to 9.
  
• Page 7. You have Isaac's name alone at the bottom of page 7 but his dialogue is on page 8.
  
• Page 10. Your slugline is at the bottom of page 10 but the action lines are on page 11.
  

No need to apologize.
I'm not saying it's not gruesome enough, but it needs to serve a purpose other than just shock value.

And how does the acid go down her throat if there's a rag stuffed in it?

-Jordan

Oh dear. That's really to do with the free template I'm using.

The acid goes via the handkerchief to stop it spilling onto his hands. This is nitric acid and doesnt need much to kill internally.

Of course you have you opinions and they are gratefully received and valued.

Mistake right off the bat. What is the SUPER being displayed over? You need to open with an OVER BLACK. That, or save the super until after you have established some visuals.

Missing some punctuation. Sloppy.

How old is Miriam supposed to be? Also, you only capitalize character names when they are first introduced.

Sorry, but I'm out after page 2. This is a mess. I've noticed you going around on the boards and offering advice. I'd strongly recommend you read more scripts and learn the rules yourself before you start trying to help others.

Hi, John, gave this a read.

I see what you actually wanted to deliver with this story. A story about retribution, crime, misery, insanity, and revenge. And I also understand that since this is a short, you need to spare some crucial details, like why did Israel Lipski kill Miriam? And why did he claim himself to be innocent afterwards? I feel that if you would've found some way to include these details in the story, this would've turned out better.

There are some formatting issues as mentioned by others (no need to use CUT TO). Some typos as well.

Quoted Text INT. PRISON CELL - NIGHT ISAAC sits upon the cold, damp floor, along with his two BROTHERS. His head tucked into his lap. A burly STATION SERGEANT approaches. STATION SERGEANT Lipski, stand up!

Shouldn't it be Isaac in place of Lipski in the dialog? Or Israel and Isaac have the same last name?

Quoted Text EXT. SHADWELL DOCK - NIGHT. Fires rage as ISAAC stumbles along in a drunken stupor upon the banks of the River Thames.

Dock is on fire? How? Isaac did it?


I feel that this one needs to be rewritten with some motivation behind the murder.

Good luck.

Thanks for your reviews.

The dock fire has nothing to do with Isaac. It is a moment in history that isn't mentioned how it was started. But it happened for sure.

Quoted from Stoneyscript Your post of my script was quite frankly rude and disparaging. If you are going to review a script atr least have the decency to be polite, you asshole!

What was rude about my review? Just pointing out facts. This isn't a back-patting club. Writers come here to learn and improve their craft. Ignorant people like you offering inane advice aren't helping anyone.

Insulting me changes none of this. If you wanna be a writer, you're gonna need some thicker skin.

Hey John,
I read your script because I laughed at your comment to Cincinnati Zack.
.  
I come and go to the SS site.  As far as suggestions and comments from other contributors go, Zack is right.  My stuff has been destroyed on this site many times.   I'm grateful for the read no matter.   If you grasp just one "better script" morsel, it's worth it.  The "how" it's expressed you must ignore, (Lot's of different writer personalities) out there.

Re: your script.  It's all about story for me.  You wrote one.  Not my cup of tea, but I "got it"  so carry on.  There were some good suggestions made by other readers re: for your rewrite, I thought.

Here's mine. Page 3 and 4 action lines are all:   He did.... (action), She did.... (action) too many action lines starting the same way.   Many readers will have a problem with that and stop the read.  

Write!

Hey Jake, appreciated. However, I am not taking offence to criticism. I know constructive criticism is beneficial. But damn right rude is unnecessary. I script is  written in period English dialogue so my writing may not wash well across the pond.

I take format issues seriously, but my script is just a prelude to something much more in depth. It is simply a factual piece  written to suggest that (12) pages.

However, when complete cranks come onto the site and slap you down when they don't understand the subject matter or way it is written, I have to respond.

So if there are issues fair enough, but after reading a cranks own piece of work I simply have to realise wtf.

Quoted from Stoneyscript Hey Jake, appreciated. However, I am not taking offence to criticism. I know constructive criticism is beneficial. But damn right rude is unnecessary. I script is  written in period English dialogue so my writing may not wash well across the pond. I take format issues seriously, but my script is just a prelude to something much more in depth. It is simply a factual piece  written to suggest that (12) pages. However, when complete cranks come onto the site and slap you down when they don't understand the subject matter or way it is written, I have to respond. So if there are issues fair enough, but after reading a cranks own piece of work I simply have to realise wtf.

What are you talking about? When/how was I ever rude? All my critiques of your work/advice are entirely valid. Your script is horribly written. You have no clue what you are talking about.

Your "review" of my script was a thinly veiled personal jab at me. The private message you sent me titled "Zak the twat", while cute, was far more insulting than anything I've said to you.

If you can't handle criticism, sharing your work on a public forum might not be the smartest move. And people like you shouldn't be offering anyone advice on screenwriting.

Good luck with your writing, Stoney.

Zak the Twat strikes agian. To be continued...

Quoted from Stoneyscript Zak the Twat strikes agian. To be continued...

Really? You seem like a very sad and angry person. Most people come here to hone their craft and make friends with like-minded people. You seem Hell-bent on making an ass out of yourself. For what it's worth, you're succeeding with flying colors.

Quoted from Stoneyscript Don't be a Bot. Just stick to what you think is right and leave other people alone if you're gonna be a rude twat. You don not decide who showcases their work here or prejudges other peoples work. You are simply just another loser attempting to discredit other writers because of your own failures. Now curl up and go away!

When did I ever tell you that you couldn't share your work here? I looked at the first page of your script and pointed out various issues. That's sort of how this whole screenwriting forum thing works.  

Look, if you can't handle criticism, maybe don't share your writing on a public forum.   And if you are a clueless amateur, definitely don't go around offering "advice." It's a very bad look. I've not been insulting or rude to you. Just left some honest advice.

I'd tell you to grow up, but I see that you are 61.   Anyways, I'm done here. Please stop sending me PMs. As funny as they are, they are quickly getting repetitive. I get it. You think I'm a twat. Funny shit.  

Hey John,

Thought I’d take a look at this for you.  Up to page 6 and the story, for me, is pretty easy to follow along with. So far I’m seeing everything you want me to, so I issues there. Writing is concise and clear.

My only issues so far are your constant use of cut to, back to and SFX. They are entirely not necessary. I mean, at one point you have (remembering) something like —

SFX: Fists pounding at the door.

So, why would you put the SFX when Fiats pounding at the door tells us all we need to know anyway? Not sure why you’re so insistent on this.

Sorry, did this in two posts. Anyway—

Yeah, so the same as I said above about the cut to’s and what not. They’re just unnecessary. And that’s not just an opinion.

As far as the story goes, there really isn’t a twist or a hook or a captivating moment that begs me to read on to see what happens. Is this going to be something longer? I think you made mention of that, however, as a short it kind of falls flat. Now, that is an opinion!

One other thing - from the time Lipinski is caught to the time he is hung. Did that happen like the next day or something? There’s nothing in there to show any kind of passage of time, and that was a bit strange. As it reads, one would think Lipinski hung just a day or hours after commuting the crime.

No backstory here. Why did Lipinski commit murder? An axe to grind? Did he have an affair with this woman? An explanation is needed here, even if he is just a loon who kills just for the fun of it.

And Issac? Later in the story, he calls two women slurs — prostitute and slut. Does Isaac have something against ladies of the night? Does he have issues with women in general? Would be interesting to know.

Best of luck!

Steve

Hey Steve, thanks for your feedback. I've taken on board about the cut to's and SFX bits and bobs.

As far as the story and plot go, this is an early draft, since the narrative is based on fact and little is known about Isaac Angel thereafter, which is why I kill him off.

Lipski was hanged soon after his conviction and the motive is clear - he was obsessed with Miriam Angel and sought his chance to rape and murder her. No other reason.

Isaac then goes AWOL and continues on a path of revenge against prostitutes, because he has lost everything dear to him. Those were brutal times in British history and in London's east end there was no such word as mercy.

Hope this helps.

Gotcha. It helps knowing that. Just remember, if you choose to rewrite again, to convey that more clearly to the reader. And , you know, you’re a writer… make stuff up if it furthers your story or adds intrigue and drama!

Steve