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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    Unproduced Screenplay Discussion    Short Romantic Comedy Scripts  ›  Unmasking Stella
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  Author    Unmasking Stella  (currently 963 views)
Don
Posted: June 25th, 2017, 9:53pm Report to Moderator
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So, what are you writing?

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Unmasking Stella by Fausto Lucignani - Short, Romantic Comedy - A lonely clubber and a boinkable woman spend an unwonted night together. 7 pages

production: Shoestring production. Two actors & two locations. - pdf, format

Writer interested in feedback on this work



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Revision History (2 edits; 1 reasons shown)
Don  -  June 29th, 2017, 2:34pm
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Warren
Posted: June 25th, 2017, 10:16pm Report to Moderator
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Hi Fausto,

This did nothing for me. The dialogue was on the nose, no subtext at all, it was just boring, general chit chat, why would anyone want to watch that?

The reveal has been done hundreds of times before and there is nothing that sets this one apart.

Lots of awkward writing and grammatical errors. I personally believe you would be better served working on your basic English, which isn't that bad, rather than throwing in words like "pusillanimous", I had to Google it and I'm a native English speaker.

For slug lines generally the larger location is first so:


Quoted Text
INT. PUB – NEW YORK CITY – NIGHT


should read INT. NEW YORK CITY - PUB - NIGHT

But you seem to know this because later you did it in the correct order. Was it a typo?


Quoted Text
INT. APARTMENT – ROOM - NIGHT


Anyway, I'm not sure what it would take to make this an enjoyable read. It's very generic and overdone.

Good luck with it.


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Fausto
Posted: June 26th, 2017, 10:12am Report to Moderator
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Hi Warren
thank you very much for your analysis. The slug was my mistake in writing. Regarding the dialogue, I was trying to project a casual, "empty" conversation between an unintellectual man and a "woman" looking for quick and easy sex. A very unpretentious story. But, I see your point...the result was flat. Can you please indicate to me a couple of grammatical errors. I would appreciate that.
Thanks again.
My best,
Fausto
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Warren
Posted: June 26th, 2017, 6:33pm Report to Moderator
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Quoted Text
ANTHONY
Uhm...they are romantic.
STELLA
Are you a romantic man?
ANTHONY
...Uhm...yes, I guess...I watch all
the soaps on TV.
STELLA
Real romantic...do you find them
sexy?...I mean, the Italian women.


Every time you use an ellipsis there should be a space after it. Also, do you understand the purpose of an ellipse? It is generally used to indicate a thought that trails off. Try to hear this conversation with all of these ellipses. These people would be talking as if they were a bit slow, as in mentally slow. It's very unnatural.

I forgot to mention this the last time but how does the job sound interesting or exciting in any way?


Quoted Text
ANTHONY
I bring messages to his business
associates.
STELLA
Interesting job. What kind of
messages?
ANTHONY
You know,...my Dad tells them when
they have to take care of somebody.
STELLA
It must be exciting...


In this instance you do put the space.


Quoted Text
ANTHONY
Well.... I


Should be a comma before baby.


Quoted Text
STELLA
I’m sorry baby


Then three or four lines later you do it correctly.


Quoted Text
STELLA
But I AM real, baby.


It's just inconsistent writing. Same as how you did one slug one way and another a different way.

An example of awkward writing.


Quoted Text
He frantically PULLS away his hand from under the skirt.


Should be "He frantically PULLS his hand away from under her skirt."

I imagine this will improve as your English does.

Sorry I don't have time to point everything out.

My main issue is the overuse and incorrect use of the ellipsis.


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Revision History (1 edits)
Warren  -  June 26th, 2017, 8:24pm
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Fausto
Posted: June 26th, 2017, 7:58pm Report to Moderator
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Warren, I am very grateful to you for your corrections. I will be more careful in the future. The reason why I inserted so many ellipses was to indicate a pause in the dialogue or indecisions in the flow of the dialogue etc. Clearly, I have exaggerated. I'll try to improve in future shorts.
Thanks gain.
Fausto
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eldave1
Posted: June 26th, 2017, 8:48pm Report to Moderator
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Fausto:

Into Stella here:


Quoted Text
A couple of stools away, a very attractive BRUNETTE in her
mid-20s looks at him with an inviting glance. She has no
drinks in front of her.


i.e.,

A couple of stools away, STELLA (20s) very attractive brunette...


Quoted Text
THE WOMAN
(friendly)
I'm STELLA. Nice meeting you.
ANTHONY
Stella eh, you've a beautiful name.
STELLA
Thanks, it's Italian for STAR.
ANTHONY
Are you Italian?
STELLA
My parents are...I was born in
BROOKLYN.


Why are you CAPPING Stella, Star and Brooklyn in the dialogue?

I think you are really overusing ... in your dialogue. It's disruptive.


Quoted Text
ANTHONY
Uhm...they are romantic.


Should be Um - a couple of places.

Overall the dialogue was really stilted - unnatural - at least to my ear. It became tedious.




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Fausto
Posted: June 26th, 2017, 9:21pm Report to Moderator
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Thank you Eldave. The dialogue came out "dry" because Anthony was intellectually very limited and Stella had only one objective: have sex with Anthony. In essence, they had nothing substantial to say to each other. At least, this was my intent with the dialogue. Thanks again for your analysis and suggestions.
Best,
Fausto
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eldave1
Posted: June 26th, 2017, 9:26pm Report to Moderator
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No problem - best of luck


My Scripts can all be seen here:

http://dlambertson.wix.com/scripts
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Fausto
Posted: June 27th, 2017, 12:07pm Report to Moderator
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I have made some changes to the script and I resubmitted it.
Thanks to all.
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