SimplyScripts Discussion Board
Blog Home - Produced Movie Script Library - TV Scripts - Unproduced Scripts - Contact - Site Map
ScriptSearch
Welcome, Guest.
It is June 25th, 2019, 11:53am
Please login or register.
Was Portal Recent Posts Home Help Calendar Search Register Login
If you wish to join this discussion board, please send me a message. Please do read the guidelines that govern behavior on the discussion board. It will make for a much more pleasant experience for everyone. A word about SimplyScripts and Censorship


Scripts Studios are posting for award consideration
Round 4 Scripts Posted

Excuses for last weekend



Short Script of the Day | Featured Script of the Month | Featured Short Scripts Available for Production | Submit Your Script

How do I get my film's link and banner here?
All screenplays on the simplyscripts.com and simplyscripts.net domain are copyrighted to their respective authors. All rights reserved. This screenplaymay not be used or reproduced for any purpose including educational purposes without the expressed written permission of the author.
Forum Login
Username: Create a new Account
Password:     Forgot Password

SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    Unproduced Screenplay Discussion    Short Romantic Comedy Scripts  ›  Surprise-Surprise
Users Browsing Forum
No Members and 1 Guests

 Pages: 1
Recommend Print
  Author    Surprise-Surprise  (currently 220 views)
Don
Posted: February 10th, 2019, 10:23am Report to Moderator
Administrator
Administrator


So, what are you writing?

Location
Virginia
Posts
13067
Posts Per Day
1.94
Surprise-Surprise by Marcus "BOZ" Walton - Short, Rom Com - A surprise secret could tear this family apart. 10 pages - pdf format

Writer interested in feedback on this work



Visit SimplyScripts.com for what is new on the site.


-------------
You will miss 100% of the shots you don't take.
- Wayne Gretzky
Logged
Site Private Message
Sandra Elstree.
Posted: February 10th, 2019, 4:05pm Report to Moderator
Old Timer


What if the Hokey Pokey, IS what it's all about?

Location
Bowden, Alberta
Posts
3752
Posts Per Day
0.86

I didn't see that one coming!  

Here are a few notes:

>A couple is hugged on a car in the lot of this Mansion.

I didn’t understand “is hugged on a car” and so it stalled me out.

The following seemed to appear out of the blue.

>Alana has roses in her hand as well.


>Tony and Alana puts on their best smile then opens the door.

Make it:

They put on their best smiles then open the door.

>Mark and Janice are smiling.

A repeat of the smile action.

Why does Alana have roses?

>MARK
Nobody is messing with my babies job.

baby’s

>ALANA (to Janice)
Have you two been intimate? This question catches them off guard but Mark doesn’t seem to mind. Janice quickly sips her champagne.

I felt this was not realistic, but after reading the whole thing, I think you were going for that affect-- where people are going, "Really!"

One of my first notes:

At the table, they are talking like Janice isn’t there.

But now I realize that she simply couldn’t hardly speak.

Nicely done. Just work out a few of the kinks. A bit of grammar, odd turns of phrase etc, but the story is good.  



A known mistake is better than an unknown truth.
Logged Offline
Site Private Message Reply: 1 - 1
 Pages: 1
Recommend Print

Locked Board Board Index    Short Romantic Comedy Scripts  [ previous | next ] Switch to:
Was Portal Recent Posts Home Help Calendar Search Register Login

Forum Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post polls
You may not post attachments
HTML is on
Blah Code is on
Smilies are on


Powered by E-Blah Platinum 9.71B © 2001-2006