I didn't see that one coming!
Here are a few notes:
>A couple is hugged on a car in the lot of this Mansion.
I didn’t understand “is hugged on a car” and so it stalled me out.
The following seemed to appear out of the blue.
>Alana has roses in her hand as well.
>Tony and Alana puts on their best smile then opens the door.
They put on their best smiles then open the door.
>Mark and Janice are smiling.
A repeat of the smile action.
Why does Alana have roses?
Nobody is messing with my babies job.
>ALANA (to Janice)
Have you two been intimate? This question catches them off guard but Mark doesn’t seem to mind. Janice quickly sips her champagne.
I felt this was not realistic, but after reading the whole thing, I think you were going for that affect-- where people are going, "Really!"
One of my first notes:
At the table, they are talking like Janice isn’t there.
But now I realize that she simply couldn’t hardly speak.
Nicely done. Just work out a few of the kinks. A bit of grammar, odd turns of phrase etc, but the story is good.