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The Dawn of Arnie (currently 459 views)
Posted: January 19th, 2020, 6:33pm
So, what are you writing?
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The Dawn of Arnie
by Jason K. Allen - Short, Rom Com - An awkward, lonely neat freak decides to loosen up, get out of the house and go on a few dates. Unfortunately, he has no luck with the ladies -- that is, until he meets the Queen of the Untamed Forest. 17 pages - pdf format
Writer interested in feedback on this work
Posted: February 1st, 2020, 2:38pm
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LOVED IT! Laughed out loud throughout. Only criticism? I wanted it to keep going!
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Posted: February 1st, 2020, 3:36pm
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So finally Arnie met Sandy and they lived happily ever after. Lol. Cool script. Funny. Here are the few things I've observed. ARNOLD (V.O.) Oh, no... I’m out of deodorant! I would get rid of this first line. It's not needed. Just show Arnold picking up the deodorant can and it's empty. He makes a face and throws it in the dustbin. ARNOLD Wild man! "Wild man! Mandy's gonna love it." This will give readers a better clue that Arnold and Mandy have met before. Pg. 2 His smile dissipates when notices she’s holding a bucket in one hand and bloody machete in the other. Blood is smeared on her hands, a few feathers are stuck to her. You can play with this situation by not showing feathers. Brandi was an interesting character. I wish you would have given her more space than Mandy. I laughed my head off at that monkey dialogue. Somehow Arnold was continuously reminding me of Rick Moranis. Well written. Loved it!
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