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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    Unproduced Screenplay Discussion    Short Romantic Comedy Scripts  ›  Love is Blind
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Don
Posted: December 1st, 2021, 3:09pm Report to Moderator
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So, what are you writing?

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Love is Blind by Gary Parr - Short, Romantic Comedy - A simple trip to the pet store, a chance encounter with a blind man and a freak accident involving dog food leads Jessica to the Emergency Room and an unexpected chance at romance. 7 pages - pdf format

New writer interested in feedback on this work, please be nice


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JakeJon
Posted: December 9th, 2021, 10:47pm Report to Moderator
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GP,
Very Cute.  Great start to a fun RomCom.  I'm certain variations of a sort have been done before;  BUT your dialogue exchanges, between two well defined characters, were witty and reader satisfying.  I wanted to read on.  Why not expand to a bigger story?   Good Stuff.
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khamanna
Posted: December 10th, 2021, 4:51am Report to Moderator
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The dialog in this is a lot of fun. I wonder where you take it. Would be good for a sitcom
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Gary Parr
Posted: December 13th, 2021, 12:05pm Report to Moderator
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Thank you so much, I'm glad you liked it.
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FrankH
Posted: June 1st, 2022, 9:27pm Report to Moderator
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Hey, Gary.

I liked this one. Perfect Title and a feel-good story.

Dialogue, your strong point, Jessica and Matt ("genital, cat-food"), I chuckled.

Action needs a little bit more tightening (some redundancies).

What's your reason for using a Flashback? I was thinking, you could start with the Pet Store and move on to the Hospital. Just curious.

What does "out in chairs" mean in Male Nurse dialogue?


Some nit-picks and thoughts, take it for what it's worth.

P1: Don't repeat in Action what's in the slug line (Pet Store).
P3: Replace MAN with DOCTOR ROURKE. No need to refer to Doctor Rourke as "man", initially.
p4: IMO, most of your parentheticals (dialogue direction) are not needed. Your dialogue does fine without them.
P4: CUT TO: Don't think you need it.
P6/7: I would give MALE NURSE at least a name and age, if not, the introduction needs to be capped.
General: I did notice some commas in dialogue that might need to be replaced by "."
General: CONT'D is not used that much anymore. Disable it in software.
General: Words like "has, is" in Action, tells me more what's going on instead of showing me.
General: Two words that were repeated and I was not a big fan of, "looks, approach." IMO, these are very generic. Maybe Doctor Rourke paces across the floor, shuffles, saunters, rushes, etc and maybe Jessica gazes, stares, peers, etc. just examples. My own opinions.

Overall, nice work.

Good luck

Frank


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