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Star Wars: The Rebellion Reborn by Dylan Meuser - Short, Sci Fi, Fantasy - A group of rebels unite in order to free the galaxy from the tyranny of the First Order. Rey trains a new group of Jedi while being hunted down by the Knights of Ren. When Kylo Ren traps Rey on the blockade of the Wookie home world. Leia sacrifices herself to bring back Luke to defeat the First Order and bring back peace to the galaxy. 9 pages - pdf format
I was reading through your script, and I wanted to give you some feedback. First off, I think it's cool that you came up with a Star Wars short. As a Star Wars fan, it immediately caught my attention. That being said, I think the short needs some work. I'll start with the technical aspects of your script, then I'll come back and deal with the story itself.
1.) First off, on the title page-- There was a typo. It's Rian Johnson. Also you might want to use the phrases "Based on characters created by".
2.) The opening crawl. As cool as it was to read that (definitely felt the Star Wars vibe in it), you should use OVER BLACK: if you're thinking about presenting that on screen.
3.) Also, open your script with FADE IN: followed by Slug lines for your scenes-- to describe your locations:
EX: INT.(or EXT.) TUNNEL-NIGHT(or DAY) for the tunnel scene. followed by Character introductions in all caps( Which you had).
4.) When it comes to action, you should consider trimming it down and have the characters talk using this:
C-3PO "Well I much rather prefer..."
You had that later on in the script.
5.) Get rid of the camera angles: EX: "Zoom out". Also, write only what can be filmed. For example, you wrote "The two droids are there to participate in the bidding of a deceased bounty hunter." You can't film that, but you can elude to it in dialogue.
6: I want to say one thing about the story, you had quite a lot going on with your logline. I was curious as to how you'd pull it off in 9 pages. You should consider making this a series. If you want to learn more about the technical aspects of screenwriting, I'd suggest you look at other scripts on line.
I'd also suggest two books: The Screenwriter's Bible by Trottier, and The Short Screenplay by Dan Gurkis: They're both great reads. Overall, It's cool that you came up with a SW short-- it just needs some sharpening up. Good luck on your writing. I'll get back to you about the story, pretty soon.
It's Matthew. I've had some more time to read the script again, and I said I'd talk with you about the story. I said before that you had a lot going on in your script-- It felt like the narrative was jumping all over the place, to the point that it seemed like the characters didn't have enough time to develop. However, the good news is that I think there's a story here. All you need to do is write a single, focused story. Personally, I'm fascinated with the part about Rey with the force sensitive kids.
To me, that's the perfect foundation for a short story: Rey training the kids in the ways of the force, and ultimately to be part of the rebellion-- only to be hunted by the Knights of Ren. The story would be about her fending off the KOR, while protecting the kids, until they can escape to safety. It could be about 20 or 25 pages. It's only a suggestion, though.
I was curious as to why you brought Luke back, though. As someone who loved TLJ, I thought Skywalker had a great story arc in the film. Doesn't bringing him back undercut the whole crux of TLJ, which was passing the torch to Rey? Anyway, Let me know what you think.
P.S. I wrote a script in the sci-fi/short section. It's called Inescapable, and it's influenced by The Terminator. Care to give it a read? I need as much feedback as possible-- I'm thinking about entering this one in an upcoming screenwriting contest. Thanks.