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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    Unproduced Screenplay Discussion    Short Sci Fi and Fantasy Scripts  ›  Metamorphosis Revisited
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  Author    Metamorphosis Revisited  (currently 215 views)
Posted: February 10th, 2019, 4:23pm Report to Moderator

So, what are you writing?

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Metamorphosis Revisited by Scott D Nelson - Short, Sci Fi, Fantasy - A family has to deal with hard decisions when the machine that has been keeping their father's consciousness alive begins to fail. 12 pages - pdf format

Writer interested in feedback on this work

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You will miss 100% of the shots you don't take.
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Sandra Elstree.
Posted: February 10th, 2019, 8:25pm Report to Moderator
Old Timer

What if the Hokey Pokey, IS what it's all about?

Bowden, Alberta
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Alright! I just hit the jackpot read of the day!

A couple of things:

In the following in the script, Vali (12) is split between lines. A person's eye misses the (12)

Also, I would rework the intros in general. Try and zero in on their faces maybe and something else to help guide us along. Just try and iron it out a bit so maybe it's a little less clunky because I found myself stalling out here, but I think in general, writing intros of people in general is challenging.

>Into the room walk TAYLOR (50's), ELON (early 20's) and VALI (12). Taylor is very pretty, but clearly not dominating of the group. Elon has a bit of an air about him, and doesn't seem to want to be here. Vali is sweet in demenour. She and Elon seem to be the leaders of the group, but for different reasons.

I like the doctor's dialogue.

I wish I could say yes. If it were a quality machine, like the ones made by the Government, then yes, I would say all is will be well. But this... this derleck machine. I don't know how it runs at all, let alone how to fix it. Cheap is as cheap does.

This though:

Hush child. Taylor is the man now. He will decide. But I agree with you. I hope he doesn't reach a deal.

Felt a little unreal to me.

Excellent work on display here!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

A known mistake is better than an unknown truth.
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