The Tower of Death by John Stone - Short, Sci Fi, Fantasy, Edgy TV Drama - There is nothing to be afraid of. 46 pages  - pdf format

Treatment

Writer interested in feedback on this work

John Stone. Are you Stoneyscript? I'm asking because I want to make sure it's written by someone who actually comes around here.  

Quoted from Grandma Bear John Stone. Are you Stoneyscript? I'm asking because I want to make sure it's written by someone who actually comes around here.

I believe they are one and the same.

Bingo! YES

Lol! I'm sorry I'm not on the ball as much as Libby.

I'll read it tomorrow. Anything in particular you want input on?

Ha!

Hi Grandma Bear.

It's your shout so many thanks in advance.

Read this today and I liked the premise. I do feel you have some work ahead of you though. But, before I start, I have to ask, what on earth is LIT? I’ve read over one thousand scripts by now and this was the first time I have come across that. There were a few other things I wondered about, but maybe some are TV show related or simply British things.

Your logline didn’t really tell me anything about this script, so it was just like going in blind. It says sci-fi/fantasy and edgy TV drama, but that’s all. So, as I started to read, I couldn’t really get a feel for tone. Sometimes it felt like a comedy even. I think you can fix this by simply deciding what tone or feel you want and then be more descriptive and chose words wisely that will reflect that. Since I usually write horror and thrillers, I use darker words and also pay attention to set a fitting tone by choosing locations that fit. Same thing goes for comedy. A comedy script doesn’t only have funny situations and dialogue, the writing itself usually has a humorous style. That way the reader will stay in the right mood throughout. In your script, I pictured this modern building, the sun shining on expensive boats in the marina. That’s sort of a positive good mood feel. Then we find people killed and I was confused of the mood you were trying to set here. Like I said, fairly easy fix though.

You had some clever ideas here. Loved the turning building and the microwave stuff. I liked the whole thing with the Ceresians and Homea (?) and the deal between them and government. I love conspiracy type stuff! In regards to all this though, I wished you had been a little more detailed in your descriptions so I could really feel things better.

Dialogue: There was a LOT of it. Dialogue needs to have a purpose. Either develop character, further the plot or give us necessary information. I hate to say it, but you could probably trim a few pages off this script by just cutting the dialogue that doesn’t really say much. In your first scene you have mostly dialogue. Dialogue that gives us information we need to know, but you need to dress it up some. IMHO, it’s a very boring way to start a script with a bunch of people sitting in a conference room around an oval table listening to someone talking. People are watching. They want something visually interesting. Have you ever heard of “The pope in the pool”? It’s when you have an important exposition dump, but you don’t want the audience to realize they are being fed information, so you do this by showing us something interesting at the same time. Next time you watch a movie or TV show, notice how there’s always something to keep you watching when this happens. Isn’t Aaron Sorkin famous for having his characters walk and talk at the same time?Try to start the script with some movement or such while we’re being fed info. Maybe have two government people walk up to a government building while they talk. They continue inside while still talking. Maybe show them in a hurry and then they enter the conference room where people wait and then only tell us the very last bit there. Or something else, but starting with long monologues while people sit and listen is a bit of a no no. Again, IMHO and I’m nobody.

There’s no need to have the automated lift voice. Do it once and we get it.

After Simon finds his friends dead, his dialogue is very repetitive and he sounds borderline whiny. If he’s our protag, I’m not sure that’s a good look for him. Look for repetitive dialogue throughout. Once we the audience have been informed of something, we don’t want to hear the same thing again and again. For example, if one character says to his friend, I fell on my ass right when I was proposing, then when he tells the same story to a co-worker, all you need is that guy to say, you fell on your fucking ass? We don’t need more than that because we already know. We don’t need him to tell the co-worker the same thing.

Characters: They are a little flat right now. I think you could develop them further. Not just background, but in their actions and mannerisms as well. They are not unlikable, just need to develop them more.

One other area I think could be improved is descriptions. I seldom say this because most writers have too much, but I wanted more here to help paint the picture you want us to see. There’s plenty of room for that though if you trim unnecessary dialogue.

Hope any of this can be of help, but like I said, I'm a nobody so take everything with a grain of salt.  

The ending. When I first read it my thoughts were, oh no it was all just a dream, but then it changed to, maybe it was true. I guess I felt there were some things that needed to be reworked prior, before the ending really mattered?

I hope you didn't take my comments as harsh. They were not intended that way. I'm a Swede, and like my husband would say, don't ask a Swede if you look good in that dress unless you want an honest answer.  

Grandma Bear.

Q. LIT?

A. When a room is lit, it is neither day or night.


***

Please don't think I found your comments harsh, after all, in your words: These are the comments of a "Nobody."

I always look at constructive criticism on its merits, and some yours are fair game. However, This script delves into something very sinister than just a quick read.

You mention in your comments that Simon keeps repeating the same line "My friends are all dead." This is quite deliberate since since you know what is going on with him.
When you're experiencing a nightmare everything is repeated to the point of insanity.

You mention too much dialogue.  Once again, I refer to the previous answer.

No, your comments were not "harsh" at all, though your further reply brutal.

Creative writing is just a hobby, so I would never be so arrogant as to take myself that seriously and be hurt by your personal interpretation of my screenplay.

And if you were going to ask "does your dress looks alright?"  I think I'd be more diplomatic with my response.

Just a British thing really. Be nice. It costs nothing.

Have a nice day.

Much appreciated.