Okay, lemme throw this out there and maybe we can have a little discussion . . .

I'm not used to seeing "BACK TO SCENE". When I read it, the first thing that pops in my head is, "Where'd we go"?.
Couldn't slug lines be used instead? INT/EXT when we're looking out the shop window? Then back to INT. when we're back in the shop? We could also avoid giving a camera angle (JAMES'S P.O.V.) by using the INT. and EXT. slug lines.

Secondly, is there an excessive use of "CONTINUOUS"? For example, when we see JOY in the bedroom, what's continuous? I guess when I see CONTINUOUS I'm expecting a series of actions or possibly even a montage. Am I wrong here?

I agree that Hailey is introduced really late.

Also agree that BRET should be named and described before he gets into the station.
Same for MAVIS. She should be named and described when she appears.

Not clear on how MAVIS is gonna pay off. Guessing it's going to have something to do with her discovering JOYs body.

Why are BRET and ROY out to mess with JAMES? I must have missed something. Is it because all of the items in the shop aren't fresh? Is it because JAMES beat BRET?

Looking forward to seeing questions answered in the feature. Good luck with it.

Hi Steve,

Thanks for the read, comments and trying to figure this out. You got the story right! And you also pointed out an important mistake i made, in that Bret ends up becoming more of an evolved character than James. I started out just wanting james to be harassed by the killers of his daughter, then realized this guy Bret has to be pretty nasty, I wanted the reader to HATE this guy.. so I started to develop his character more, and in doing that I  ended up focusing more on him and less on james.. hence the ending. This is one of the reasons why I want to expand on it....  

BRET (CONT’D)
You wanna know ya little girl died?

Yep i left out that important word.....how.....


Hailey yes, trying too hard with that one... will be changed.

‘He smiles back, memories of his time with her written on his face.’  As a reader trying to figure out who’s who (at a pivotal moment) this line (the way it’s written) puts a kind of gloss on what is actually a pretty sick moment for the reader to take in.  Perhaps that makes it even worse..?  But, I read this as Bret was somehow emotionally attached to Hannah - it left me thinking he’s somehow the good guy here which left me a bit confused.  Maybe just me...

Thanks for pointing this out, unfortunately that was a sick moment to go along with this sick guy...on film it will just be a look on his face. I might need to work more on this scene. It is a great scene to show what this guy is really like. That look is going to show us into his soul... hopefully...

This was very helpful, thanks again for the feedback!

Hi Kirsten,

You had me for most of it and lost me at the end. It took reading Steve's explanation to put it together.

I personally found this a long 14 pages. I was never really pulled into the story.

I thought the last scene was unnecessary.

The writing is quite good, a few nit picks that have been covered already.

I don't think you need to use continuous so often, if it's the next scene you would assume it would be filmed in that order and by default be a continuation. It would be neater using a mini slug minus the continuous.

The POV's are essentially camera directions. At the end of the day the director/cinematographer will decide what shots to use.

Where are the page numbers?

Good luck with it.

Hi Warren, thanks heaps for the read!

I'm pleased to hear the writing was good....have had to work alot on that, still have a way to go....this was too much for a short...its something id like to expand into a feature someday.....

Cheers K