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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    Unproduced Screenplay Discussion    Short Thriller Scripts  ›  Starling
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Don
Posted: February 19th, 2019, 4:45pm Report to Moderator
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So, what are you writing?

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Starling by Jason Paul - Short, Thriller - A young boy hides in a bedroom during a home burglary. 15 pages - pdf format

Writer interested in feedback on this work



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Arundel
Posted: May 30th, 2019, 1:34am Report to Moderator
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Okay, the idea of an 11-year-old kid stalking DEATH WISH-style hoods is intriguing, but this dire wolf tattoo on every single bad guy has to go!

The flashback within the flashback was a little cringe-inducing too (i.e. the one before the main character was even born) but I liked how your story pushed boundaries with the idea of a vigilante kid.

When Starling leaves the house after the execution of the first two intruders, I thought it was going to be because he was going to ransack the place himself but then the story started to unfold. Well done here.

Also how collected weapons (the knife) worked well in the script. But the cutting of the tattoos... uh, again with those tats. Sorry.

Stories told in flashback are a dime a dozen, but at least this explains why the character does what he does.
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