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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    Unproduced Screenplay Discussion    Short Thriller Scripts  ›  Howie the Pox
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Don
Posted: April 3rd, 2021, 9:05am Report to Moderator
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So, what are you writing?

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Howie the Pox by Wayne Moss - Short, Thriller - One man holds the key to a fortune, another is determined to take it at any cost. 4 pages - pdf format

Writer interested in feedback on this work



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WayneM
Posted: April 3rd, 2021, 9:49am Report to Moderator
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Thanks, Don.

This was written the day after the last short in an attempt to write something quickly. It's not dissimilar to the other lackluster piece, so there's no need to go out of your way to offer feedback. Having never tried to write something in a day, I've new found respect for those who can.

One positive however was finding the voice for a character in my WIP, which means it wasn't a complete waste, I guess.

Cheers
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SteveClark
Posted: April 4th, 2021, 9:48am Report to Moderator
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Wayne,

Not a bad little short, but not crazy original. Lot of bang bang, shoot em dead, light on story. What I like most is the dialogue, which is good, but could use a trim. Id like to see more of this dialogue in a fully flashed out story. Nice work.

Steve


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WayneM
Posted: April 4th, 2021, 11:52pm Report to Moderator
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Mighty kind of you to take the time, Steve.

It was more of an exercise than a dedicated attempt, and I agree, far from original.

I've taken your advice to trim the dialogue on board, and this may be something to return to at a later date - although Lock, Stock and Two Smoking Barrels it ain't . lol.

Cheers Steve.
Wayne
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