Moral Murder by Sabina Adora - Short, Thriller - Jake follows his co-workers home with anger burning in his eyes and a knife hidden behind his back. Memories of the moments that led up to this point replay in his mind over and over again as he justifies the violent act he plans to commit. Jake’s perspective leads to his motives and reality becoming questionable. 17 pages - pdf format

New writer interested in feedback on this work, please be nice

Sabina - only going to comment on the opening block. Hopefully, it will spark ideas you can use throughout.

Our opening

Quoted Text EXT. ALLEYWAY - NIGHT JAKE, a young man in his 20s with dark hair, stands in the alleyway staring at an empty bus stop.

First - give us a little ambiance on that alley - dark? light? rainy?

Second - don't waste words. e.g., you don't need young man (you gave us his age).  You don't need to stay he stands in the alleyway - you already have that in your header

Write active - i.e., Jake is staring - better as: Jake stares

Character description - why does dark hair matter?  Give us something meaty

So - making stuff up here for illustrative purposes.

EXT. ALLEYWAY - NIGHT

Dark, other than the red hue from a nearby neon light.

JAKE (25), nervous and twitchy, directs a cold stare at a vacant bus stop.

Or whatever. Point being - less words, more atmosphere

Do that throughout.

I'd go with something like this.

---
EXT. ALLEYWAY - NIGHT

The greenish glow of the streetlight cuts through the darkness, illuminating JAKE, 22, as he fidgets with something in his hand.

The hood of his sweatshirt shrouds his eyes that seem to glow red with rage.

He looks up and down the street as he paces back and forth across from a bus stop.

He checks his watch. In his hand... a large KNIFE.
---

It shows that Jake is waiting for something. It shows he's angry, nervous, and about to do something rash.

It's been a while since I've been writing so I'm trying my hand at rewriting things to bust off some rust.

-Jordan

A few notes:
::SPOILERS::

• The logline needs a lot of work.
  
• You should write in an active voice instead of passive voice.
  
• Some of the dialogue needs to be redone because it's on-the-nose.
  
• I'm not sure a slugline of IN JAKE'S MIND is the best way to do it, but it works, especially as he descends into madness/rage/paranoia.
  
• Lines like The dull office ambiance completely contrasts with the previous scene. takes me out of the story and makes me feel like I'm reading an IKEA manual instead of a script.
  
• You absolutely nail the pacing of this story. I could see Jake's spiral into madness as his paranoia grips him, the visions of Alexander pop up in his mind, and you cut from one shot to the next. Excellent job with this.
  
• I particularly like the J-Cut with the sound effects. It helped create a movie in my mind.
  

Overall I enjoyed this but I wish there was more to the ending. I would have liked to know if Alexander really was an agent or was Jake just jealous and went insane.

With minimal rewriting this could be a tight little thriller.

Thanks for the read.

-Jordan

I didn't mind the direction so much and enjoyed this story. All of the points above though are great. Heed them and you'll have a great-looking script to go with a well-told story.

I have to agree with most of the comments already made on here. I did enjoy the story though.

Thank you everyone for taking the time to read and comment on my script, I really appreciate all the feedback!