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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    Unproduced Screenplay Discussion    Short Thriller Scripts  ›  Lucy!
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Don
Posted: March 30th, 2024, 9:27am Report to Moderator
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So, what are you writing?

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Lucy! by Kevin Lewis - Short, Thriller, Drama - A man recalls how he was seduced by a demon when he was a young teen. 20 pages - pdf format

Writer interested in feedback on this work



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ColinS
Posted: April 2nd, 2024, 8:06am Report to Moderator
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Hey Kevin,

I found this to be a thoroughly engaging read, always intrigued to discover its direction.  By the end, it had a reminiscent vibe of 'Let the Right One In', albeit with a more sinister antagonist at play. It's a brave and at times an uncomfortably gripping story (uncomfortable in a compelling way), maintaining a mysterious aura around Lucy as its core hook.

Like your writing style, so had no issues there, crisp and concise.

Couple of things - When Gary yanks at the tape, I probably needed a reminder that it was the tape around his mouth as I wasn't sure at first.

If I'm right in thinking that Gary was part of her cycle, I just wonder whether he would try to warn John in some way?

Not sure if we should see Lucy fully transform at the end, as I would prefer keeping with the mystery, but that's subjective - additionally, the logline may give away too much.

But anyway, very much enjoyed the read, hope others give it a whirl, it's worth it.

Cheers

Colin


"Some day I'll Be Saturday Night..."
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Kevin_L
Posted: April 3rd, 2024, 12:06am Report to Moderator
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Hey Colin,

I owe you two thank yous.  My first is for the feedback on my script "The Lady in Red" from the Sept 23 OWC.  It got optioned, and I did a rewrite with your suggestion of a dance scene.  They loved it.  So many thanks for that!  

Of course, the next one is for taking a look at this script.  A while back I watched a video where a writer/filmmaker said to write something that makes you uncomfortable.   He said it's your choice to let people read it or keep it yourself.  I chickened out the first time and asked Don to delete it from the queue.  What's funny is the few people I had read it before I posted it online,  the ones I thought would hate it liked it, and the ones who would like it didn't.  I guess what they say about assumptions is real. Lol.

Good point on the tape.  I see what you mean.  It does read vague, considering it's three pages later from the initial description.

You are right in thinking Gary is part of the cycle.  I never considered him warning John.   I like that idea because it creates conflict with Lucy's mission to ensnare John.

The transformation at the end was a spur-of-the-moment addition.  My thought process was for the audience to see what John is fixing to spend eternity with.  

As far as the logline,  this one has been tough for me.  Hopefully, I'll have a better one when I upload the revised draft.

Do you have anything in particular you want to me read of yours?  Short or feature.  

All the best!

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Kevin_L  -  April 3rd, 2024, 1:19am
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ColinS
Posted: April 5th, 2024, 12:22pm Report to Moderator
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Excellent news regarding "The Lady in Red". Remember reading that one, and enjoying it, so I'm not surprised it's gathered interest. Well done, fingers crossed on that, would love to see it produced.

I am planning to submit the first 20 or so pages of a feature that I have been working on.  Still trying to get the log line on point  

I'm primarily interested in gauging whether the narrative makes sense to readers. While it's not overly complex, I'm curious to know if the flow is seamless enough.

It's based on reincarnation.

If you do come across it and have some time, any feedback would be much appreciated.

Hopefully, Lucy will gain interest too, really liked it.


"Some day I'll Be Saturday Night..."
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