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Smitten Hostility by Jonathan Sieff - Short, Thriller - Tensions flare between a criminal couple when their third crew member is left behind after a robbery. 6 pages
The main plot issue - It doesn't make sense why Liam waited until they were back at the basement, snogging, before questioning where Jason was? Liam was the getaway driver, he knows immediately he left without Jason. Would make more sense if they are immediately going at it (arguing that is, not the sex stuff) when they enter the basement.
It feels slightly like the story and plot came 2nd after the horny stuff.
Dear Jonathan, whilst a fan of the 'start scene late and finish early - less is more' fraturnity, this plays out to me in a way that You can imagine exactly what is happening but as text there are parts missing. Jumping straight into a four hander is always going to be difficult.
Would Kyra be atop Jason as they are waiting for someone? - as the first response is off camera I was immediately discombobulated! (It doesn't take much these days!)
Howsabout instead of "Kyra babe - - - "this is our future." I'd like a tad foreshadowing that gives a motive to a (possible) betrayal - just a glimpse before it's used as to the reader/viewer its like Where did that come from??!
I think if you simplifiy this first to sort out the action and scene links you can then introduce more complex side plot snippets. Good Luck As I said in an earlier crit - You can't edit a blank page! All best --
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Smitten Hostility
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