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I'm going to point out any errors as I come across them, so here goes -
You wrote - "There is a coffee table in front of a couch, and a T.V. in front of the coffee table" - Don't need to say coffee table twice in this sentence.
You wrote - "Stratus reaches into an ice box wall thing" - Do you mean a refrigerator?
You wrote - "They all look old, and, um, wooden." - I wouldn't describe a place this way. Take out the um, wooden part. It sounds like you're talking!
Spelling - you wrote ". He walks down the street, towards a horse tied to a an old, wooden post." Take out the a before an.
You wrote - "There are about two drunken old guy’s sitting at the bar." - Just say there are two drunk old men instead of about two...
You wrote - "Huh, that’s quite a name you got their." - Change their to there.
You wrote - "The sharp mug nail him in the head, Rusty Skillet drops dead." Add an 's' to nail.
Hope that helps.
The conversation between Stratus and Ricky at first doesn't feel very natural to me. Sorry, not keen on the "it goes good" kind of expression. Steph reminds me of a bunny boiler! She gets attached to Stratus too soon and therefore it doesn't seem believable. A crush yes, but a heartache?? Just didn't buy it.
Loved the last line. It was priceless!!! I really like the concept of this script. It could so benefit from a re-write. It's a bit wordy description-wise and I think Ricky and Stratus's chat in the first scene is forced, but overall I like your angle a lot. It really has potential and would like to see it posted with a bit more depth too.
I have to say, i love the title of this. But that's about the only thing. I don't wanna be too harsh on you here but usually the more bad things i point out the more stuff you can improve on.
First the dialouge was not that good. You can tell you were trying to do western dialouge but it did not work out. Maybe go to IMDB.com and search for a western movie and click on Memorible Quotes could help you.
Your action below your INT. EXT. parts should be spaced apart.
OKay i gotta admit your descriptions were pretty good. I'll give you props for that.
Overall you have a nice imagination you just need to learn how to make it work in words.
The concept is not too bad -- a kind of "stretching it" way to write a Western, though.
My favorite character is "Drunk Man", with his two wonderful lines. Make of that what you will. (Oddly, though, his second line is attributed to "Drunken Guy". Are they one and the same? You need to watch out for that kind of stuff. Keep it consistent.)
And I thought the ending was great.
Some of the dialogue could use work, sure, but if the author would put a space between the slugs and the descriptions that follow -- well, their formatting would be just about there
Interesting concept, but this whole thing seemed kind of random.
I echo Andy's comments above because I noticed that stuff too, but I'll reiterate that the ice box wall thing is commonly known as a cooler.
You describe his boots as "cool". Why? What makes them cool? Do they have a snake on them or something?
In terms of dialogue, the only character that I really didn't care for was Steph. Given her place and time in all of this, it should have been a little more authentic.
Not sure who wrote this, but I wonder if "Tis a far, far better thing I do than I have ever done", would help in identifying them.
Damn it, Mike. As far as the concept goes, I was almost certain this was you, although the dialogue didn't quite have your usual snap. Now I'm just confused.
I liked it a lot, but I'll agree with the Steph character being the weak link.
Take note of the typos and formatting errors mentioned by others. No point repeating them here.
The ending was a nice touch but I thought there was more comic potential in the western scenes that could have been further developed.
Couple of spelling errors but that can be solved in a jiffy. You had a Sliders thing going on here, with a tad of back to the future humor which I liked. But it didn't come of the ground that well, I didn't really cared for the main characters same goes for the other characters.
This was kinda fun. Sure, you snafued some of the conventions of description to be a little cynical, but for the exercise, we'll let that go. I see you've been hit for that already. I enjoyed the little plot that ran through the short and thought the situations Stratus ran up against were hilarious. Your logline is perfect.
A couple of things: Are Oxy-clean commercials really essential to the plot? Didn't think so. Just have him turn off the TV.
That dialogue in Rick's was just hideous. It makes me wonder if it was intentional or English isn't your first language (How goes it being at least a German expression, if not more). I think you need to say that scene out loud to hear the problem with it.
What was the deal with Steph? I asked myself this question as she was swooning, and later, I figured it was just another piece of the insanity you were playing with. Most of it doesn't make sense, but in what you have here, it works.
First of all, this script possesses an interesting story and the premise really is good, I liked it.
I undertand what your are trying to communcate with your story and what the characters say but with better scene descriptions and more centred dialogue, more believable accents you’d be onto a winner here..
Its not easy to write a 7 page short story and just as difficult to express your ideas in a 7 page screenplay, you did manage this but with a little more attention to formatting, more elegant scene decriptions and believable dialogue the script would read much better.
One can only learn from actually doing a thing and if you gain anything from this exercise, and the comments people have made after reading your script, then this can only help you become a better writer..
A lot of the comments other readers have made about your script are correct but I’m not going to echo these here, there’s no point. As I said, it was a good story and I can see where you were going with it.. Loved the going through the door thing, great idea that..
One final thought, although your ending was funny, I would have set up a High Noon shoot out scenario with the main character being thrust into the middle of the street as one of the gun fighters.. Noon is mentioned a lot between the characters and to have the guy forced into a gun battle at noon, which is sign-posted, but unexpected as far as the main character is concerned, this would be a nice twist.. Maybe corny but it would work a treat..
Be interesting to look at if you do decide to write a new draft of this script.
I don't really know what to say about this one. It was a western but didn't feel like a western. Especially with the presence of Starbucks. It was decent though and a few parts made me laugh (among others the drunk guy and the sheriff's Shakespear line, I believe).
First of all, this script possesses an interesting story and the premise really is good, I liked it.
I undertand what your are trying to communcate with your story and what the characters say but with better scene descriptions and more centred dialogue, more believable accents you’d be onto a winner here..
Its not easy to write a 7 page short story and just as difficult to express your ideas in a 7 page screenplay, you did manage this but with a little more attention to formatting, more elegant scene decriptions and believable dialogue the script would read much better.
One can only learn from actually doing a thing and if you gain anything from this exercise, and the comments people have made after reading your script, then this can only help you become a better writer..
A lot of the comments other readers have made about your script are correct but I’m not going to echo these here, there’s no point. As I said, it was a good story and I can see where you were going with it.. Loved the going through the door thing, great idea that..
One final thought, although your ending was funny, I would have set up a High Noon shoot out scenario with the main character being thrust into the middle of the street as one of the gun fighters.. Noon is mentioned a lot between the characters and to have the guy forced into a gun battle at noon, which is sign-posted, but unexpected as far as the main character is concerned, this would be a nice twist.. Maybe corny but it would work a treat..
Be interesting to look at if you do decide to write a new draft of this script.
It is a far better thing I do than I have ever done before, and a far better place that I go than I have ever gone before.
Or something to that effect.
Having just taken this final I found this line hilarious, and I believe the line is: tis a far, far better thing I do, than I have ever done; it is a far, far better rest I go, than I have ever known.
I thought this was okay, the only thing I didn't really like was the line where steph say's something like : I know what it feels like to lose apart of myself too, now.
the "now" seems so out of place and it just kind of bugged me. It was pretty funny though. I love the name Stratus.
I like the premise, but it just seemed like you didn't spend enough time on this. Some of the descriptions are pretty weak, which has been pointed out by others. The dialogue was also somewhat hard to take at points.
Personally, I don't mind Steph...I'll accept her character, because the whole script is so fast and light that I think you can get away with slightly, er, unrealistic things such as that.
I liked the way the fight went. I think having him just yell, "You ass!" would be quite funny on film.
Good work! I enjoyed this, and it was quick. Certainly does need a touchup, though.
I thought it was created but I agree with the other posts if you had spent a little more time on it, I think it would've been much better. At some points I got a tad lost by your descriptions, but a creative premise is there.
I'm glad that this anonymity thing is finally over so I can make a post:
First off. thank you all so much for reading it. zyour kind and enlightening reviews warmed my heart and soul.
Anyway...my largest shick is everyones hatred for the Ricky dialogue. I thought this was the closest to real small talk dialogue I have ever written. That is actually what I ask my freinds when I first see them every day: "How goes it?" "It goes good, Tyler, it goes good." i was talking to Mike and we think it might be a midwestern\chicago thing.
Next, I want to talk about steph. Steph is the character that is supposed to give the script that extra unreal flare. When stratus (favorite name ever by the way) steps into Hitchville, he steps into a dramatic western movie stereotype. Steph by no means is supposed to appear real, everyone in the town is supposed to appear one dimensional, i think that because steph was the only character I really gave more than two line sto, you noticed this and were not sure what to think of it (my fault, I should make the unrealism of hitchville more obvious, any suggestions?)
Anyway, about the western Dialogue, I have no excuse. I just suck at this, and if I ever plan on writing a western again, I would study it.
I gotta agree with the others that the Ricky dialogue was kinda fishy. But nevertheless, this was a fun read. The one liners are what I enjoyed most, including the drunk's and especially Stratus' "You ass! I barely took a sip!"
Your formatting is coming along, but still needs some tweaking and shtuff. For some reason I see Stratus appearing in future episodes of Mindless...
I read this and I found myself lost in doing so. It was kind of like a Twilight Zone episode where someone visiting a present day Wild West tourist town finds himself in the Old West. Somehow, however, it didn't work with me and all of the typos and occasional formatting problems really distracted me.
all of the typos and occasional formatting problems really distracted me.
Sorry about that, I'm working on it, I think I finally have the tab thing figured out.
And Greg, thanks for your read too. I guess I just have to give in to a more globally accepted Dialogue for ricky and Stratus, rather than my home town style.
I think everyone who has posted has probably made you aware of what you need to do to improve this script, e.g. work on the descriptions and polish up the dialogue. So I'll just say it was a good light comedy and I thought it was a pretty neat concept. I liked the igloo bit at the end that was cool (pun intended) I also thought it was an economically written piece and at no stage did it seem to lag. So yeah, I enjoyed it. You have a great sense of humor and it really comes through in this, so keep the comedies coming dude.
Okay, you've read all the fix-it comments. Don't know if it was mentioned, but I would watch the number of times you use the verb "bursts" or some variation of the word.
The story doesn't quite work for me, but I see its potential.
I like the quirky world in which Stratus finds himself, but I'm wondering if there could be a more succint tie-in with the first scene. Where he's languishing in front of the TV. And another tie-in at the end, where Stratus finds himself in Alaska. Maybe the tie-in is with Oxi-clean.
Kevan had a good idea about that shootout, because I think that kind of climax would make the western setting work better. . Maybe that shootout with the sheriff and rusty skillet could be moved. Hmm.
NOON is a big deal in the story and that should be part of your climax. Your segueway into the Alaska scene.
I do like Stratus' reaction when his gin and tonic gets creamed. His ass comment gives the story some sense of being grounded. You know, a real reaction in a movie-set world.
I'm thinking if Steph is going to see Stratus as a hero, for nailing Rusty, maybe set up that scene earlier.
In the bar, when Stratus and Steph talk, maybe she should say something about Rusty being the fastest gun or the most feared outlaw. This guy needs a reputation. Maybe he's the stuff legendary gunfighters are made of.
And then he's dispatched with a piece of shattered mug.
I know you're trying to keep this town like a movie set, with everything and everybody being stock. But making Stratus more 3-D could make everything work better.
Polish the story and I think it could work just fine.
but I would watch the number of times you use the verb "bursts" or some variation of the word.
I know you're trying to keep this town like a movie set, with everything and everybody being stock. But making Stratus more 3-D could make everything work better.
Polish the story and I think it could work just fine.
good luck.
Hey thanks, I have noticed I use the word burst a bit too often, and I am tryingto cut down. I don;t know why i use it so often in scripts and writing, I never use it in real life.
And yeah, giving stratus a more 3d character would definetely improve the story, adding to the contrast between him and the town, thanks.
Quoted from christopher
So yeah, I enjoyed it. You have a great sense of humor and it really comes through in this, so keep the comedies coming dude.
Thanks chris, I'm glad you liked it, and I do have a new comedy coming out, check my sig.
Just finished Entrances and Exits and I quite enjoyed it.
!!!SPOILERS!!!
When I first picked it up I thought I was going to read a Western, so I was kinda thrown off by the start. But then it was like "Oh, okay I get it now".
It was set up fairly straight forward and it had Twilight Zone'ish feel to it. It was a fast read and I thought it was pretty funny.
The only real problems I have with the story is that I think Stratus seems a little too indifferent to the situation, like he's stoned or something (maybe he is - and if he is I think you should show us). Even if this is all a dream or some kind hallucination(and I hope for his sake that it is) a person would still be a little surprised about what was going on.
The other thing I have a problem with is Steph. What is she all about? She comes on very strong through her dialog, but it is build up too much on the nose to come of genuinely.
Why does she think that Stratus will be killed by Rusty? And who and what is Rusty?
I didn't get how Stratus was caught in the crossfire, I thought he was watching the duel from a bit away. Did I miss something?
I think these topics should be addressed before the story will really work.
On the other hand I like your style. The way the story is written it flows really nice and I like the fact they you don't dwell on details.
This was a good story - it just needs a little work.
Cheers Rob
Down in the hole / Jesus tries to crack a smile / Beneath another shovel load
Rob- Thanks for the read. Let me know when the new sic semper tyrannis is up.
Stephs Dialogue is something most people have a problem with. I'm glad you thought it was on the nose and not genuine, because that is sort of what I was going for. I wanted the western world to seem completely unreal, like stratus walked into an old movie. I guess my problem is that It really only worked with steph. I need to have the rest of the charachters more obviousy on the nose as well so people can see the hollowness of the town.
As for stratus being detatched, I did that on purpose too. Theres not so much a reason for that other than I just thought it was funny how he just seemed to go along with eveything.
and for the cross-hairs he was walking between them to leave the town, I guess I need to make that more clear.
I had to double check to verify that I had read the earlier version because I thought I did, so we'll see what I come up with this time around.
Is that 10 point font? Looks small.
How old is Ricky?
Moving along pretty good so far. I think you had him go back into the store just enough times before it grew tiring.
In the saloon, when he says his name's Stratus, I'd have him say "like the car?". Given the Western theme of the script, it adds a little bit more pop to the joke.
This was a pretty funny read....I don't recall seeing anything new in here, but I read the original draft so long ago I may have forgotten. You'll need to do another round of proofing since there are some typos strewn about, but not a whole lot.
Definitely more comedy than western, but since the OWE is long over you can use that more to your advantage now.
I'm so far behind in reading your stuff it's hard to believe.
There was nothing really like new, but everything was slightly tweaked to make for a better experience, I hope. I think I'll use both the cloud and the car. "like the cloud or the car?" I dunno. maybe just the car. I'll think about it.
Hey, I just re-wrote this and would really appreciate some feedback.
Funny story. type-o's, format, blew right through 'em, pardner, nothin' a lil bailing wore an' twine kaint fix, but they are there (darn it, I could have formed a contraction there).
Characters are stereotypes, over the top for Steph, but she's a stereotype. Cast as stereotypes, I think all the characters work. The noon thing works as well because it, too, is a stereotype. One previous comment was about being off watching the gun fight, but I felt Jim Stratus was right between them. I thought he may pull a quick-draw and shoot Rusty instead of pegging him with the glass, but having the mug explode was funny, so I like the way it turned out.
So this is a dream sequence to be sure. Oh, wait, wait, I know...secret sounding board for a Stargate episode!
Okay, now I'm thinking of the final shot...
SUPER: "Charles Schwab: We Make Retirement Predictable."
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