Figured I'd dive right past the utter lack of a log line and see whatsup with your script. Pretty slow beginning, the format it came up with didnt show page numbers so i'm not sure how far i got. As I read: Kinda thick descriptive paragraphs. Too much ?is seen? ?we see? If you?re going to describe clothing it should be the first time we see someone. That nice a restaurant the waiters wouldn?t be carrying a pen and pad I think you mean chef, not chief Cant have: ?starts to realize he cant help but stare? , same with a ?chill runs down his spine.? And ?old friend from highschool.? None of these can be shown.
'she has beauty that only money can buy', great line, very descriptive. More thoughts that the audience cant see in the bathroom scene.
Gave up around there, things were kinda dragging, the mysterious stranger with the scar kidnapping them failed to keep me interested. Tighten up the writing, cut out the things that cant be shown. And post a logline so people have something to get them interested.
All the best. |