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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    Unproduced Screenplay Discussion    Thriller Scripts  ›  Xposure Moderators: bert
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Don
Posted: October 7th, 2010, 6:26pm Report to Moderator
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So, what are you writing?

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Xposure by Alexander Hay - Thriller, Cinema Verit'e, Conspiracy - A film-director battles against an elite security killing force to expose scientific interference in the food-chain- on his own terms- film! 118 pages - pdf, format


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You will miss 100% of the shots you don't take.
- Wayne Gretzky
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jackx
Posted: October 16th, 2010, 5:21pm Report to Moderator
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Possibly the single greatest logline I've ever read on this site.  Every time I read it I like it more.  Especially ending with the word 'film'.
And an oversize font on the cover page, nice.
thru' isnt a legitimate shortened form of through, fyi.  Even if you include the apostrophe.
You love them dashes a whole lot...
Wow, lost me in three pages, impossible to read.  Clearly this is well over my head.  I'll bow out gracefully.


Mine:
HARD CASE
            (65 Pages) Stealing the case is just the beginning...

APU
            (80 pages) A city where superheroes are murderers and villains walk through walls...
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NW3
Posted: October 29th, 2010, 7:54am Report to Moderator
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Sorry, Alexander, where is the "Verit'e"? I struggled through some of this in a vain attempt to find out.

Poor format is the problem, and the warning comes in your logline, where for some reason "film director" and "food chain" are hyphenated. I could overlook any minor irritant but every page of the script is struck through with rogue hyphens, to the extent that it looks as if commas have been entirely replaced. Almost every sentence is slashed apart by more hyphens, and the already contentious '(beat)' gets a decorative brace along with its capital letter.

Maybe you just love using that cheeky little dash and it's taken over? It's there in scene headings and parentheticals, and intrudes between words such as single track, speak up, passing place, film set, hill walking, carry on, cracks up, wired up, chill out, market stall, fruit shop, dining room, and shower cap. Words become separated that should only be one (notepad, laptop, sweatshop, throughout). I'd be interested to know your logic or reason for this - why for example would hand-up be hyphenated? Those are all from the first few pages, and I don't expect I caught every one.

The effect of all the unnecessary hyphens, together with sentence fragments, asides and stage directions, camera shots, underlines, italics, weird spacing, abbreviations, exclamations, typos and just plain spelling mistakes, is to make the script one big mess that, for me, is too distracting to read beyond page 12. I couldn't see anything mentioned in the logline before then.

If someone has taught you to do things this way, seek redress. If it's your maverick manner, then best of luck.
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dogglebe
Posted: October 29th, 2010, 8:03am Report to Moderator
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Alexander has posted three scripts at the beginning of the month, and he has yet to pop his his in to any of his threads.  I think we should let this go...


Phil
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rendevous
Posted: October 29th, 2010, 8:10am Report to Moderator
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Away

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I have to agree, blue boy.

And Please, for the love of all that is holy, change your barstard animated avatar. I have a hell of hangover. Makes it hard to read your words, NY, knowarramean?

But I gotta agree with Jackx about that logline. I'm sorely tempted to read this.

However, Denmark calls. Does anyone have a spare furry hat?

R xo


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