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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    Unproduced Screenplay Discussion    Thriller Scripts  ›  A Whisker Past Midnight Moderators: bert
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  Author    A Whisker Past Midnight  (currently 2073 views)
Don
Posted: October 24th, 2010, 2:56pm Report to Moderator
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So, what are you writing?

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A Whisker Past Midnight by Andrew Garrett (animwriter) - Thriller, Animated Feature - A routine ocean crossing turns into a fight for survival--and our heroes are armed with little more than gallows humor and a fork.  Big band music is in the air, U-boats are circling in the depths, and a femme fatale fox wants the hero for lunch. 90 pages  

contests: Winner, Best Film-Noir Screenplay Epic ACG Fest - 2018; Selected, Global Production Match Making Program - 2017 - pdf format

Writer interested in feedback on this work




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Revision History (4 edits; 1 reasons shown)
Don  -  January 22nd, 2019, 3:34pm
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Baltis.
Posted: October 24th, 2010, 4:02pm Report to Moderator
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You get an A for HTML presentation but it's, at the same time, a huge distraction.  Why not make a PDF of this?  I can see you spent a lot of time developing the world here and it'd make a great toon.  Not bad, if not a tad over written and cumbersome to wade through in HTML format.  Really kind of off-putting to be honest.  It's almost as if you were pimping the website at the end.  As if we weren't reading just the script but along for the ride "You" wanted to lead us on by selling us a website and characters and the whole shtick.
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dogglebe
Posted: October 24th, 2010, 4:12pm Report to Moderator
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I started reading this, Andrew, and I can't figure out why you would split the script up in parts the way you did.  It's a little distracting.

While I find the story interesting, I think your storytelling in need of improvement.  Your describe things in long blocks of text.  Tighten things up.  And split these paragraphs should be split up.  Your description:


Quoted Text
The door opens to reveal three rats in long overcoats, identical hats, and heavy boots.  Two of them shift and shuffle, swinging their tails, but these OTHER RATS are overshadowed by a taller, more genial fellow named HERMANN RUST, his whiskers twisted into a handlebar mustache.  He carries a large folder stuffed with papers.  The three rats look silently in, and Stephan looks silently back.  He breaks the ice.


could be written better as:


Quoted Text
The door opens.  THREE RATS in identical overcoats, hats and boots glare down at Stephan in judgement.  Stephan stares at them.

The middle rat, HERMANN RUST, holds a large envelope in his hands.  His thin tail casually twirls his whiskers into an impressive handlebar mustache.


From 69 words to 45 words.  And that little space is a breather.  It allows the reader more time to visualize everything.

Tighten this script up.  You don't need too much set up as everyone knows who nazis are.  Jump straight in the story and dirty little mouse sex.


Phil
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animwriter
Posted: October 26th, 2010, 2:04am Report to Moderator
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Hello there!  Well, from the comments thus far I need to:

1. Get a PDF copy posted for easier reading -- could someone point me to the proper spot to add one at SimplyScripts?

2. Cut the fat some more.  I don't want this to be a short novel masquerading as a screenplay.

Thanks for reading!

(shuffling through the script--mouse sex, eh?  I don't see any--oh, wait, there it is.   Sorta.)
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rendevous
Posted: October 26th, 2010, 4:07am Report to Moderator
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Away

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1. Do you mean you don't know how to make a PDF? I do have proper spots. I'm modelling myself on Father Bigley in Father Ted.

Go to http://www.download.com. If you can do html shurely PDFfing will be a doodle.

Mouse sex? Er, not right now thanks. Wait till Saturday night.

R xo


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animwriter
Posted: October 26th, 2010, 11:55pm Report to Moderator
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Actually just neglected to post a PDF when submitting the screenplay, so there's just a link to my website.  Not sure how to add the PDF after the fact.  Probably need to ask an admin; I'll look around...
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