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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    Unproduced Screenplay Discussion    Thriller Scripts  ›  Scenario Moderators: bert
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Don
Posted: December 10th, 2010, 8:13pm Report to Moderator
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So, what are you writing?

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Scenario by Mohammed Hassan - Thriller, Suspense - An armed, masked gang breaks into a family's house and makes them live through the most terrifying night of their lives. As the night progresses, secrets are revealed and emotions fly high. 87 pages - pdf, format


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cloroxmartini
Posted: December 11th, 2010, 12:10pm Report to Moderator
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The beginning of this seems wierd to me.




You've set it up to where I expect mom to roll her son over and hump him. Is that what you want? Mini skirt, shot of her black panties. I have yet to meet a mother who is that sexy with her teenage son.

Speaking of...Mark is a teenager. At this age, I think I need to know an exact age. Reason is, teenagers range from 13 to 19. There is a difference in every year of being a teenager.

Mom is in her 30's. Not mid-30's, not late 30's. I would get exact on that one, too. 30 is a lot different than 39.

Defining the age in this case is important, in my opinion.

The second scene is full of sexual connotations again. With a teenage daughter, so we have at a minimum 13 and 14 year-old. But with the way the daughter and her friend talk, I'd say older.

You spend 12 whole pages on this.

I really don't like the way this is heading.

The logline says a family will be held hostage. Usually I'm supposed to care about hostages, but your set up is about sex and that's generally not something to base sympathy on.

How old is Mark?

Ah, now the twist. And end with another twist. The twists in and of themselves I could see working, and I found them interesting, but not in this story line, or at least the theme of this story, that being sex.

This doesn't work for me.

In order for a twist to pay off, it has to come off as real to me. The fake didn't come off as real. Then all the banter afterward didn't come off as real. And Bridget coming in a shooting like that? Her dad is a cop, and she didn't tell him? Big problem. It would have been better if Bridget's dad did show up and bust this sick little party wide open.

Any good news? Yeah, as much as I don't like the story, I could see someone shooting this because it's one set and few characters. There would be enough people interested in the sex that you could get an audience. Somehow I sense a porn spirit in this story anyway, maybe you could push it over the edge.

Me? Pass.

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cloroxmartini  -  December 11th, 2010, 12:35pm
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PatrickDaly
Posted: January 7th, 2011, 1:57pm Report to Moderator
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One thing I would suggest is making your descriptions a lot leaner.  This is something I'm working on, too.  For example, you wrote:

"She looks down into the textbook. Something has caught her
eye. She picks up a small strand of blonde hair from the open
book and displays it in the air, clasped between her thumb
and index finger."

And you could more succinctly just say:

"She looks down.  Picks up a strand of blonde hair."

That's all you need to say.
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