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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    Unproduced Screenplay Discussion    Thriller Scripts  ›  Leverage Moderators: bert
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Don
Posted: September 16th, 2011, 4:42pm Report to Moderator
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So, what are you writing?

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Leverage by James Clark - Thriller - Trevor Mackson, a once happily married buisness owner and family man is on the verge of personal destruction after losing his buisness...With his life and marriage slowly falling to peices he takes a trip to Los Angeles to escape his woes and visit a friend only to find himself tangled in a world of deciete and betrayals...All while his friend embarks upon teaching Trevor about a concept called 'Leverage'.. 132 pages - pdf, format


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Forgive
Posted: January 26th, 2012, 7:33pm Report to Moderator
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Let The Sky Fall

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Hi James -- the first two pages are missing... try and fix and let me know.


Simon
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JamesClark
Posted: October 20th, 2012, 10:25pm Report to Moderator
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Hey SiColl007 (mr. Bond)...Thanks for the heads up however I looked into the pages missing but didn't find any missing...Maybe a glitch in your system or something?
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danbotha
Posted: October 21st, 2012, 12:42am Report to Moderator
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Hi James,

I took a glance at this and saw a few problems jump right at me.

For starters, the "Fade in:" needs to be in CAPS. So "FADE IN:".

Your slugs need to be CAPS all the way through. So, for example, your opening slug is written like this...

"EXT. Chicago – Crowded rush hour streets (summertime) – Day"

-Try this...

"EXT. CHICAGO - CROWDED RUSH HOUR STREETS (SUMMERTIME) - DAY"

Even with the CAPS, the slug still isn't quite right. The "Crowded rush hour Streets (Summertime)" could easily just be "STREETS." - Show the rush hour traffic in your action paragraphs, don't tell us. The summertime part is another thing that you could be showing rather than telling. Talk about the sun blazing, that sort of thing.

Page 1 shouldn't be numbered.

The Narrator should be in CAPS.

Formatting issues like the ones I've mentioned won't get people past your first page. That's simply the way it works. You might have the best story in the world, but if you don't tell it using the correct format, people will put it down, like I have.

After a quick skim, I'd suggest breaking up those chunky bits of dialogue. They're very daunting. Have gaps where you show a bit of action, rather than just a guy talking.

Sorry mate. That's the way the cookie crumbles.

Good luck and keep writing.

Dan


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Chris Ramos
Posted: October 22nd, 2012, 11:43am Report to Moderator
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Hi James,

I recommend for you to revise your script, look up the rules for basic formatting, re-write the script, then up-load it again; or make total new script when you know the basics, and upload. This one is good, the story is good, but most people are going to stop reading after the first page because of the lack of proper formatting.

Keep writing, stay positive, and smile

Chris


Criticism, like rain, should be gentle enough to nourish a man's growth without destroying his roots.

-- Frank A. Clark


Read Me
Please...  
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JamesClark
Posted: October 25th, 2012, 4:56pm Report to Moderator
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@danbotha...

Thanks a million for those pointers on correct formatting...This was only my second attempt at writting a feature length script or ANY script for that matter, I have another script posted here in the unproduced section (comedy) called STEDMAN THE GREAT. I entered that one in Fade In Magazines annual script writting contest (2003) which made it to the quarter-finals. I thought that was pretty good for a first-time writer who knew very little about script-writting or proper formatting techniques.

A little over a year after that, a small independant producer in Florida saw the script posted on this website, read it, thought it was pretty funny and wanted to produce it. I signed a contract in summer of 2011 but as of yet the script hasn't been produced. However I really appreciate your feedback and thank you again. I've taken note of those suggestions...
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JamesClark
Posted: October 25th, 2012, 5:24pm Report to Moderator
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@ Chris Ramos:

I appreciate the read. I agree that this script is a good story but that it could use some tweaking with the formatting. However, my mindset at the time of writting the script was more concentrated on developing a GOOD STORY rather than worrying too much about formatting. Adding caps where they should be or revising a slug here and there are things that can be easily corrected, but a weak, shallow and pointless story is an entirely different thing. I assumed I had the basic minimals down and that I could pass with that.

Thank you so much for the feedback. I wish there was a way to edit or revise a script that's already posted....!
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