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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    Unproduced Screenplay Discussion    Thriller Scripts  ›  Dead Beat Cops Moderators: bert
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Don
Posted: October 30th, 2011, 12:22pm Report to Moderator
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So, what are you writing?

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Dead Beat Cops by F.B. Lagrate - Thriller - Her first day on the job Ky Casey, the new agent for the State Child Support Division, is quickly and unwittingly introduced to the nefarious ways of the hardened agents charged with apprehending deadbeat custodial parents. Right from the training academy, Ky slowly begins to unravel the seedy, tangled corruption embedded in an agency dedicated to helping those with desperate needs. From agent to agent, to supervisor and above, Ky attempts to learn the truth. Continuously involved in agency games designed to thwart her zeal to succeed in her new career, Ky fights back in her own way to learn the secrets and corrupt operations of this hallowed State agency. 154 pages - doc, format


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Forgive
Posted: October 30th, 2011, 6:58pm Report to Moderator
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Let The Sky Fall

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The all appeared a bit strange, to be honest - an awful lot of FULL CAPS that are unnecessary - kind of distracted from the story - which, incidentally, I figured seemed to be quite good; it was just that I found it difficult going. I am guessing that this is a spec script, and that you don't have any interest from pro companies, yet it reads something more akin to a shooting script -- too much direction; too many camera angles etc etc. A spec script needs to be cleaner than this - a simple body of work to see if it's worth taking further.

Sorry I can't be more positive.
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FBLagrate
Posted: January 14th, 2012, 9:01am Report to Moderator
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Thanks for all the advice and I'll take another run at it!
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dogglebe
Posted: January 14th, 2012, 9:07am Report to Moderator
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Welcome to the boards, FB.


Phil
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FBLagrate
Posted: January 15th, 2012, 7:42am Report to Moderator
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Thanks Phil!
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dogglebe
Posted: January 15th, 2012, 11:08am Report to Moderator
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You may have trouble getting many people to read your script.  At 154 pages, it's far too long.  Your logline is also too long, overly-detailed and lacks punch.  And the fact that you don't review scripts gives no one reason to review yours.  It's a quid pro quo thing.


Phil
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FBLagrate
Posted: January 16th, 2012, 10:45am Report to Moderator
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Again thanks and I will punch up and shorten logline and cut back unneccessary scenes!! Reading and commenting is a must in the new year!!!!
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