SimplyScripts Discussion Board
Blog Home - Produced Movie Script Library - TV Scripts - Unproduced Scripts - Contact - Site Map
Welcome, Guest.
It is January 26th, 2022, 6:14am
Please login or register.
Was Portal Recent Posts Home Help Calendar Search Register Login
Please do read the guidelines that govern behavior on the discussion board. It will make for a much more pleasant experience for everyone. A word about SimplyScripts and Censorship

Produced Script Database (Updated!)

The January Project!
If you want access to the January Project, click here

Short Script of the Day | Featured Script of the Month | Featured Short Scripts Available for Production
Submit Your Script

How do I get my film's link and banner here?
All screenplays on the and domain are copyrighted to their respective authors. All rights reserved. This screenplaymay not be used or reproduced for any purpose including educational purposes without the expressed written permission of the author.
Forum Login
Username: Create a new Account
Password:     Forgot Password

SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    Unproduced Screenplay Discussion    Thriller Scripts  ›  Permanent Shadowing Project Moderators: bert
Users Browsing Forum
No Members and 1 Guests

 Pages: 1
Recommend Print
  Author    Permanent Shadowing Project  (currently 1344 views)
Posted: February 1st, 2012, 5:17pm Report to Moderator

So, what are you writing?

Posts Per Day
Permanent Shadowing Project by Jacob Greenberg - Thriller - FBI advisor proposes a unique strategy that allows him to get to Mafia leaders through small drug dealers. 117 pages - pdf, format

Visit for what is new on the site.

You will miss 100% of the shots you don't take.
- Wayne Gretzky

Revision History (2 edits; 1 reasons shown)
Don  -  February 5th, 2012, 7:14pm
revised script posted
Site Private Message
Posted: February 11th, 2012, 2:22pm Report to Moderator
Old Timer

Let The Sky Fall

Various, exotic.
Posts Per Day
Hi Jacob. This didn't really work for me.

Opening line needed a double read, which I don't think is always a good sign.

I think the agents need a name, and they are also lacking any kind of description before they speak.

Steve also lacks an introduction - name should be in CAPS first time it's introduced. Also, I'm not sure of the description here - may be okay with some people, but better is 'muscular' - it'd be difficult to show 'strong'.

You're putting action lines inside dialogue lines. I'm wondering if you intended to put them in parantheticals - but if you did, then they still wouldn't belong there. They need to be placed as action lines.

# was studied at the high spheres.
-- was studied in the highest spheres?

We are here to offer you a job
at the FBI.
     STEVE (ironically)
Really? What an honor! I am
flattered. Me, a professor at
the Harvard University, will be
a catching gangsters. Who could
have thought about it?

-- it's starting to nose-dive here - spoken ironically or not.

And please take in consider the
fine salary they are offering
you. It's an important factor

Now either you have language issues, or it's a mickey-take.

This really needs a lot of work. One of the major issues is that there is very little in the way of initial descriptions of new places, and this is important to get a feel of what we are supposed to be viewing.

Your dialogue needs a lot of work on it too - listen to some films and try and write down what they say - check the difference between that and what you have written.

Keep workin'

Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 1 - 1
 Pages: 1
Recommend Print

Locked Board Board Index    Thriller Scripts  [ previous | next ] Switch to:
Was Portal Recent Posts Home Help Calendar Search Register Login

Forum Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post polls
You may not post attachments
HTML is on
Blah Code is on
Smilies are on

Powered by E-Blah Platinum 9.71B © 2001-2006