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The primary purpose of the SimplyScripts Discussion Board is the discussion of unproduced screenplays. If you are a producer or director lookng for your next project, the works here are available for option, purchase or production only if you receive permission from the author.
NOTE: these screenplays are NOT in the public domain and MAY NOT be used or reproduced for any purpose (including eductional purposes) without the expressedwrittenpermission of the author.
Apaches by Yam Gonzalez - Thriller - The script is based on Lorenzo Carcaterra's book "Apaches". Jerry Bruckheimer acquired the rights to the novel in 1997. Since then a host of writers have tried to adapt the book without success. Fresh out of Film School I thought I'd take a whack at it. It took me about four months to complete. This is the end result. 120 pgs. - pdf, format
Well, I guess you've set youself a challenge here, so good for being gutsy.
I've also seen that you direct your own stuff, so that makes this a little more difficult to evaluate -- it's going to be easier for you to film if you 'know what you meant'.
From one point of view, the story seems to be okay - & I think that you have caught a visual side to this ...
... but on the other hand -- there's issues if you're looking at this in as a script just in and of itself:
Some of the methods you're using I'm not too sure about - Jenny & Tony don't really get an introduction - certainly no CAPS. But then later you CAP the eye color of a surgeon (his name), as part of his intro -- just wasn't too sure why you'd do one and not the other?
## Balding cakes his hand in Johnson’s baby oil. -- needed a double read - not too sure that 'cakes' is the most appropriate word here?
## He lands on top of the baby with his upper body. -- A bit over-written, and suffers for it - removing all after 'baby' gives more impact and reads better.
I decided to dip out at page 13 ... two things really, I was pretty sure the baby was dead, and suddenly the blonde's feeding it formula, so either I got that wrong, or it's just going weird. And Boomer? He's one of the guys - who? Sudden name changes again ... ?
Visually I think something could work here, but I think you could get a lot more into the 10 pages than you have done. It's cool if you're filming it yourself - but in honesty - there's a few issues here if anyone else is either going to evaluate this or try and film it.