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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    Unproduced Screenplay Discussion    Thriller Scripts  ›  Apaches Moderators: bert
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Don
Posted: July 6th, 2012, 12:57pm Report to Moderator
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So, what are you writing?

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Apaches by Yam Gonzalez - Thriller - The script is based on Lorenzo Carcaterra's book "Apaches". Jerry Bruckheimer acquired the rights to the novel in 1997. Since then a host of writers have tried to adapt the book without success. Fresh out of Film School I thought I'd take a whack at it. It took me about four months to complete. This is the end result. 120 pgs. - pdf, format


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Forgive
Posted: July 7th, 2012, 5:10pm Report to Moderator
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Let The Sky Fall

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Well, I guess you've set youself a challenge here, so good for being gutsy.

I've also seen that you direct your own stuff, so that makes this a little more difficult to evaluate -- it's going to be easier for you to film if you 'know what you meant'.

From one point of view, the story seems to be okay - & I think that you have caught a visual side to this ...

... but on the other hand -- there's issues if you're looking at this in as a script just in and of itself:

Some of the methods you're using I'm not too sure about - Jenny & Tony don't really get an introduction - certainly no CAPS. But then later you CAP the eye color of a surgeon (his name), as part of his intro -- just wasn't too sure why you'd do one and not the other?

## Balding cakes his hand in Johnson’s baby oil.
-- needed a double read - not too sure that 'cakes' is the most appropriate word here?

## He lands on top of the baby with his upper body.
-- A bit over-written, and suffers for it - removing all after 'baby' gives more impact and reads better.

I decided to dip out at page 13 ... two things really, I was pretty sure the baby was dead, and suddenly the blonde's feeding it formula, so either I got that wrong, or it's just going weird. And Boomer? He's one of the guys - who? Sudden name changes again ...  ?

Visually I think something could work here, but I think you could get a lot more into the 10 pages than you have done. It's cool if you're filming it yourself - but in honesty - there's a few issues here if anyone else is either going to evaluate this or try and film it.

Best o' luck with it.
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