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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    Unproduced Screenplay Discussion    Thriller Scripts  ›  Clairvoyance - optioned Moderators: bert
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  Author    Clairvoyance - optioned  (currently 1836 views)
Don
Posted: March 1st, 2013, 5:07pm Report to Moderator
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So, what are you writing?

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Clairvoyance by Dena McKinnon (pale yellow) - Thriller - Facing eviction, a fake fortune teller takes on a missing child case and is suddenly haunted by psychic visions she must decipher in order to save the child. 95 pages - pdf, format

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Script removed by request - optioned


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You will miss 100% of the shots you don't take.
- Wayne Gretzky

Revision History (1 edits)
Don  -  April 1st, 2013, 10:03am
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Pale Yellow
Posted: March 1st, 2013, 5:28pm Report to Moderator
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Thank you so much Don for putting this up.

This was one of my 7WCs from last year. There are parts I'm still working on...will change as I get them done
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Dreamscale
Posted: March 2nd, 2013, 10:02am Report to Moderator
Of The Ancients


Yes, that is my real hair...

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The most prolific writer strikes again!

Damn, Dena...you ROCK!!!

Anything new from the version I read way back when?


To ski or not to ski...that's not even a question.
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Pale Yellow
Posted: March 2nd, 2013, 6:00pm Report to Moderator
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It's about the same...cept I wrote til the end...think you read the first act... I am afraid this one gets a lil like taffy in the 2nd act...so not sure I pulled it off...but I enjoyed the characters.
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Forgive
Posted: March 2nd, 2013, 9:13pm Report to Moderator
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Let The Sky Fall

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Hey Dena. Found this difficult going early on. Your page 2 first slug is off-putting. Most of all page 2, in fact, is a bit of a 'mare, to be honest - I can't go with a smile turning to a frown - it isn't something that you do with your lips.

ARMS reach out, grab her from behind.
-- your tense is all wrong here, and it's not adding to the read.

As for the read, I'm going to give that a go. The story intent appear to be there in the first ten, and it's got a feel to it, especially in the character portrayal, that makes me think that this is worth staying with.

It's all a lot different to the stuff you used to write, so maybe I've not been keeping up with you so well. You can blame me on that one.
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Pale Yellow
Posted: March 2nd, 2013, 10:38pm Report to Moderator
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Hey SiColl...

This is from last year. When we did the 7WC...this was one of the ones I wrote. Thanks for checking it out. I am learning as I go.
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Forgive
Posted: March 3rd, 2013, 5:02pm Report to Moderator
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Let The Sky Fall

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Hey Dena. Gave this a read up to page 20. A few minors first off ...

p.5 Elena snatches a paper off of the table
-- Elena snatches a paper off the table

p.7 Yours love energy is the heart of a woman.
-- Your love energy

p.8 At sight of the VISITORS
-- (?)

p.9 I don't go with the undelining re. antidote, as it dumbs the reader down. We know they're doing this stuff to avoid eviction, and if that's not clear, maybe just up some earlier sentimental value or something to bring it to the reader's attention.

p.15 Elena dodges the question. Changes the subject.
-- This is made clear in the dialogue that follows.

p.16 Maria crawls off of the bed.
-- Maria crawls off the bed.
(This seems to be a bit of a habit of yours ...)  

p.16 In his hands, a tray sporting a sandwich, chips and soda.
... and then
p.17 She ... eagerly grabs the peanut butter and jelly.
-- ?

On to the story. I liked the set-up, and you got in nice and early with the inciting incident.

There's also some nice characterisation with Elena and Gemma - I get the feel that there's two distinct voices here. Plus there's good conflict between the two, along side a shared goal (avoiding eviction).

Generally the writing's very good - creative in the right places (Elena's bath, for instance, I though was very nicely pitched), although I'm not into all the missing "and's", and non-sentences. I know some people go for that style so that's a personal choice.

My only concerns here, was with the nature of the set-up vs the development of events. The set-up is not only used to set out your stall, but also to indicate the story direction. On this one I got confused, and I think it's something you might have done deliberately, but I'm not too sure:

So we begin with Elena as a con-artist, and she is put into a situation whereby she has to find Maria. I was under the impression that this was key to the story - that she had no special powers, and this is part of the problem that will be driving the story forward.

We then change, and Elena appears to be developing these powers. This changes the whole story intent. Lets say from the outset (with the Bondsman) that she has a 'strange' experience ... she is still the con-artist, but we get an indication of what is to come, and of what will be developed.

With the way it is, I feel like I've just bought into one story-line, only to be told - 'actually we're going to go with something completely different after all'.

Just my thoughts, & good luck with it.

Simon
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insider901
Posted: March 19th, 2013, 9:02pm Report to Moderator
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I love the way you write your action sequences. I'm a huge fan of eliminating  "and," "is,",and "are" whenever possible. Makes for a much easier read. It's very close to my writing style so I'm definitely going to favor it.

Didn't get into the story but the style and dialgue is really good.
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Pale Yellow
Posted: March 20th, 2013, 3:43pm Report to Moderator
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insider...

This story is lacking a bit...it was a rush and some of my earlier work. Hopefully, I'm getting better Thanks for taking a look. I'm willing to read for you if you ever need it.

d
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