All screenplays on the simplyscripts.com and simplyscripts.net domain are copyrighted to their respective authors. All rights reserved. This screenplaymay not be used or reproduced for any purpose including educational purposes without the expressed written permission of the author.
My First Bank Robbery by Edrick Joel Magambo - Thriller, Heist - A deported ex-con stages the first ever successful robbery on the country's top most bank. 96 pages - pdf, format
I had a read and this on the first page took me out:
Code
Don gets up, grabs a few stuff on his bed, hugs his buddy.
If an error like that is on the first page, I don't hold out much hope for the rest of the script. But then, I'm just a writer. I'm not looking to make this into a film, so what I say doesn't count for anything.
Here is an example of a logline that tells too much and still doesn't explain the stakes. So he robs a bank that's never been robbed before. Big deal. Not to mention how can a guy who is deported still be in the country to rob the bank. Or why any of that is even important.
The dialog needs some rehearsal. Read some of the earlier exchanges out loud. I don't even know what this means:
"My mother often said that a good impression comes with an introduction first. I granted her a pig's ass most times..."
"The second car's door opens and comes out the two men to the warden."
I'm Dutch but Is this some sort of slang?
Page 3
PRISON WARDEN Of course. You must as well know that your prisoner is a very big threat to your country's security. Somehow this sound off and is on the nose.
Page 5
ON RYAN: Walking towards us.
becomes
ON RYAN as he walks towards us.
"us?" What is "us" ? the audience that is looking at him on the big screen. Use the CAMERA{Having said that I still have to get rid of 'we see" and "we hear" (and the unfilmables) on page five of "The Gavel".}
Page 4
FADE TO BLACK.
DON (V.O.) (CONT'D)
The security was tight-ass there. They helped me though. Considering a free air ticket on the Embassy budget because if all goes well... I'm yet to realize my dream.
SUPERIMPOSE:
"FOUR YEARS LATER"
FADE IN:
EXT. ROADSIDE. KAMPALA, UGANDA - DAY
TIGHT ON a stationery black caldina.
Ok read up to page 10.
Too many V.O. explaining people/situations --very on the nose!!