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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    Unproduced Screenplay Discussion    Thriller Scripts  ›  Nanuq Moderators: bert
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  Author    Nanuq  (currently 1166 views)
Don
Posted: September 26th, 2016, 5:31pm Report to Moderator
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So, what are you writing?

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Nanuq by Jami Todd - A huge, unstoppable polar bear stalks the members of an Arctic party. 113 pages - Thriller - pdf format

Writer interested in feedback on this work


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TonyDionisio
Posted: September 29th, 2016, 10:18pm Report to Moderator
Been Around


Damnit, get to the point!

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Jamie,

Checked this out because of the polar bear angle (even though Leo beat ya to it with his bear movie.)

Logline needs some help.

The initial scene played with the camouflage off the snow with the polar bear. I liked it. I think you should have taken it further and shown exactly how calculating and ferocious this bear is.

Next 12-15 you set up 4 males in a station trying to start an old generator and discuss global warming. Too slow. Then they play cards and cook. That must go quicker IMO.

The writing is crisp and economical, and while the dialog is as well, I fear the character voices are too similar.

Upper 20s in page count and now finally some conflict by introducing Ellie. I think this should happen much sooner since there isn't much going on except a lost puppy.

Got to 30. Will come back to see where you go with things. Not a big fan of ecological messages in movies (feel its been done to death) but O do like containment flicks in the arctic.

Gl with the script,

Tony


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