SimplyScripts Discussion Board
Blog Home - Produced Movie Script Library - TV Scripts - Unproduced Scripts - Contact - Site Map
ScriptSearch
Welcome, Guest.
It is July 11th, 2025, 6:30am
Please login or register.
Was Portal Recent Posts Home Help Calendar Search Register Login
The primary purpose of the SimplyScripts Discussion Board is the discussion of unproduced screenplays. If you are a producer or director lookng for your next project, the works here are available for option, purchase or production only if you receive permission from the author.

NOTE: these screenplays are NOT in the public domain and MAY NOT be used or reproduced for any purpose (including eductional purposes) without the expressed written permission of the author.

New to SimplyScripts? - Tell us about yourself! | How does this discussion board work? - FAQs! | Submit Your Script
The July 2025 One Week Challenge comes, soon.

How do I get my film's link and banner here?
Short Script of the Day | Featured Shorts Available for Production | Guidelines and Censorship | Produced Script Database | Oscar Winning Screenplays through the Ages | WGA Top 101 Screenplays

Forum Login
Username: Create a new Account
Password:     Forgot Password

SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    Unproduced Screenplay Discussion    Thriller Scripts  ›  Ransom Payback Moderators: bert
Users Browsing Forum
No Members and 2 Guests

 Pages: 1
Recommend Print
  Author    Ransom Payback  (currently 1160 views)
Don
Posted: November 12th, 2017, 12:09pm Report to Moderator
Administrator
Administrator


So, what are you writing?

Location
Virginia
Posts
17384
Posts Per Day
1.95
Ransom Payback by Simon Parker - Thriller - Panic Room meets Speed. Living in the shadow of her wealthy husband, Laura now kidnapped and trapped in the back of a van must fight for her freedom. 98 pages - pdf, format

Writer interested in feedback on this work



Visit SimplyScripts.com for what is new on the site.

-------------
You will miss 100% of the shots you don't take.
- Wayne Gretzky
Logged Offline
Site Private Message
eldave1
Posted: November 12th, 2017, 12:41pm Report to Moderator
January Project Group



Location
Southern California
Posts
6973
Posts Per Day
1.74
Simon: Thoughts on the first few pages - just my opinion.

- The character descriptions are real thin (just the age) - this is your protag and her best friend give us a little more.

- Intro your characters in order of action - it helps the readers. e.g., this:


Quoted Text
LAURA, (2 stands at the counter with LOTTIE, (30). Laura
is watching her chosen clothes been carefully folded and
placed into paper bags.

The young girl CASHIER, (1 gestures to the screen that
shows a grand total of $550 to be paid.


Is an easier read as:

LAURA, (2 stands at the counter, watches a young female CASHIER carefully fold Laura's purchased clothes and place them in a bag.

LOTTIE, (30), stands next to  Laura...

The description/action lines are a bit tedious and as a result the action drags- Laura does this, Laura does that over and over. Look for a chance to shake them up a bit.  An example:


Quoted Text
Laura takes the card back from the cashier and hands her
another.


Could be:

Her hand trembles as Laura hands the cashier another card...

Not exactly that - but the point being - change it up a bit to keep the reader engaged.


Quoted Text
Ransom Payback - Simonkyleparker@hotmail.co.uk


I wouldn't put this on top of every page

Best of luck


My Scripts can all be seen here:

https://dlambertson.wixsite.com/scripts
Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 1 - 1
 Pages: 1
Recommend Print

Locked Board Board Index    Thriller Scripts  [ previous | next ] Switch to:
Was Portal Recent Posts Home Help Calendar Search Register Login

Forum Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post polls
You may not post attachments
HTML is on
Blah Code is on
Smilies are on
Powered by E-Blah Platinum 9.71B © 2001-2006