SimplyScripts Discussion Board
Blog Home - Produced Movie Script Library - TV Scripts - Unproduced Scripts - Contact - Site Map
ScriptSearch
Welcome, Guest.
It is March 20th, 2019, 3:19am
Please login or register.
Was PortalRecent PostsHome Help Calendar Search Register Login
If you wish to join this discussion board, please send me a message. Please do read the guidelines that govern behavior on the discussion board. It will make for a much more pleasant experience for everyone. A word about SimplyScripts and Censorship


Scripts Studios are posting for award consideration


The Beginners Guide to the SimplyScripts Discussion Board (WIP)


Yes, I am running script reviews, again...

Short Script of the Day | Featured Script of the Month | Featured Short Scripts Available for Production | Submit Your Script

How do I get my film's link and banner here?
All screenplays on the simplyscripts.com and simplyscripts.net domain are copyrighted to their respective authors. All rights reserved. This screenplaymay not be used or reproduced for any purpose including educational purposes without the expressed written permission of the author.
Forum Login
Username: Create a new Account
Password:     Forgot Password

SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    Unproduced Screenplay Discussion    Thriller Scripts  ›  60 Feet Under Moderators: bert
Users Browsing Forum
No Members and 1 Guests

 Pages: 1, 2 » : All
Recommend Print
  Author    60 Feet Under  (currently 532 views)
Don
Posted: December 11th, 2018, 1:17pm Report to Moderator
Administrator
Administrator


So, what are you writing?

Location
Virginia
Posts
12793
Posts Per Day
1.93
60 Feet Under by Paul Knauer - Thriller - A struggling widower, desperate to help his anxiety-riddled, claustrophobic daughter, takes her on a road-trip, only for them to be kidnapped and held hostage in an abandoned, underground missile silo.  110 pages

production: cast of 5, few locations and minimal effects. - pdf format

Writer interested in feedback on this work



Visit SimplyScripts.com for what is new on the site.


-------------
You will miss 100% of the shots you don't take.
- Wayne Gretzky
Logged
Site Private Message
Warren
Posted: December 11th, 2018, 11:27pm Report to Moderator
Yellow



Location
Sydney, Australia
Posts
1809
Posts Per Day
1.77
Hi Paul, good to see another one of your scripts up. I'm up to page 30 and need to stop for the day, I'll hopefully finish it tomorrow.

The writing is spot on, no technical issues jumped out at me at all. I really enjoyed the first few pages, they had some great tension. Your character descriptions are also a strong point.

SPOILERS SPOILERS SPOILERS

Story wise there is definitely enough going on to pull me along. I am slightly concerned that they are in the silo by page 30 and we still have 80 pages to go, but I have a feeling you will keep it entertaining.

I think my only nit-pick at this point would be the tone. It seems youíve tried to inject a bit of humour and in parts it feels out of place. Sorry I read this at work and didnít take notes. EDIT I went back and found one just as an example:


Quoted Text
Lincoln kneels next to Tucker, tries to stop the blood
gushing from his friendís midsection.
TUCKER
Chicks dig scars, right?


It might be in Tucker's character, but it still feels too chilled out and a bit comical for being shot.

The below quoted text is the only part that really didnít fit for me. Lincoln has just watched his friend die, they are in a hell of a predicament, but this dialogue comes off as, hopefully unintentionally, humorous.


Quoted Text
LINCOLN
-- Iíve got your wife! I would sure
hate to see her get hurt.
(to Bonnie)
Iím not going to hurt you.
ROGER (O.S.)
Youíre not going to hurt her.
LINCOLN
I might!
(to Bonnie)
I wonít.
ROGER (O.S.)
You wonít.
LINCOLN
(to Roger)
Iíve got a shotgun.
(no answer)
Roger?


As a whole though, I truly enjoy reading your work and this is no different.



To View All My Scripts Please Use The Link Below

My Website

My IMDb
Logged
Private Message Reply: 1 - 16
PKCardinal
Posted: December 12th, 2018, 2:17pm Report to Moderator
Purple



Location
Kansas
Posts
237
Posts Per Day
0.52
Warren,

Great notes as always. You should have seen the first draft of this... humor was WAY over the top. But, that's what first drafts are for... experimenting.

I've taken most of it out. Tucker's just a jovial guy, and, the kind of guy that's gonna crack a joke in a dire situation. But, your point about the exchange with Lincoln/Roger/Bonnie is a good one. I'll soften it.

I think you'll find the tone consistent from here. If you don't, I'd like to hear where it fails - so further changes can be made.

Thanks, as always. It's such a help having notes from you.


PaulKWrites.com

60 Feet Under - Low budget, contained thriller/Feature
The Hand of God - Low budget, semi-contained thriller/Feature

Many shorts available for production: comedy, thriller, drama
Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 2 - 16
Warren
Posted: December 12th, 2018, 8:05pm Report to Moderator
Yellow



Location
Sydney, Australia
Posts
1809
Posts Per Day
1.77
Hey Paul, got a few more pages in.

SPOILERS SPOILERS SPOILERS


So I am 38 pages in and something just struck me; Roger seems to have this all very well planned, meticulously you could say, but when he initially meets Lincoln and Ali --


Quoted Text
ROGER
You donít have permission to be
here.
Tucker eyes Rogerís hand, hovering near the holster.
TUCKER
(motions to the RV)
Iím -- my buddy -- heís paying.
Roger spins for the RV.
ROGER
Pack it up. You arenít staying.


-- He is quite adamant that they leave. Was he planning on doing this to someone else? Itís a bit odd to me that this was a spur-of-the-moment decision because it was good for Bonnie, but he has so many things in place to make this scenario work.

It may all be explained later but at this point itís not making too much sense.

The whole deal with the rebar and the jacket was very confusing, I've read it a few time and I'm still not seeing what you want me to see. Hopefully it's just me.


Quoted Text
Lincoln, wrapped in his jacket, shivers under a metal panel.
LINCOLN
Think, Lincoln. You need heat.
He mindlessly spins his prescription bottle like a top.
His attention is drawn to a light, hanging lower than the
others. He climbs to it, holds his hand in front of the lens,
but quickly withdraws. Itís hot.
LINCOLN
Thatíll work.


While the dialogue above serves as very minor exposition to give us an idea of what Lincoln is thinking, I'm not a fan of it at all. It may not be enough, but I think the fact that he is shivering and that he actively looks for a source of heat is enough. Again, may just be me.

Back with more soon.


To View All My Scripts Please Use The Link Below

My Website

My IMDb
Logged
Private Message Reply: 3 - 16
PKCardinal
Posted: December 13th, 2018, 3:48pm Report to Moderator
Purple



Location
Kansas
Posts
237
Posts Per Day
0.52
Re: Roger and his preparation... if it doesn't make sense by the end, let me know. 'Cause that would be a problem. At this point... not so much.

Thanks for the input on the rebar/jacket section. Been over that particular bit several times. I guess several more won't hurt. The basics are: he's cold. He sees the light as a heat source, and wants to dislodge it to bring it closer. He's trying to catch it with the jacket, but it burns through.

I've thought about dropping it, but I really want to establish various ways that his situation grows more desperate. (In this case, trying to warm up costs him his jacket.) And, the scene provides several useful pieces of information for later in the script.

Thanks for staying with the script!


PaulKWrites.com

60 Feet Under - Low budget, contained thriller/Feature
The Hand of God - Low budget, semi-contained thriller/Feature

Many shorts available for production: comedy, thriller, drama
Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 4 - 16
Warren
Posted: January 8th, 2019, 6:41am Report to Moderator
Yellow



Location
Sydney, Australia
Posts
1809
Posts Per Day
1.77
Sorry Paul, Christmas holidays just pulled me away.

I'm going to finish this off tomorrow

Final thoughts to follow.


To View All My Scripts Please Use The Link Below

My Website

My IMDb
Logged
Private Message Reply: 5 - 16
eldave1
Posted: January 8th, 2019, 7:02pm Report to Moderator
Blue



Location
Southern California
Posts
4268
Posts Per Day
2.52
Hey, Paul: Good to see this up on the site. I think it was around July or so where I read this. Anyway - hope you get some more reads. It's a solid story. Best of luck


My Scripts can all be seen here:

http://dlambertson.wix.com/scripts
Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 6 - 16
Warren
Posted: January 8th, 2019, 7:59pm Report to Moderator
Yellow



Location
Sydney, Australia
Posts
1809
Posts Per Day
1.77
Okay, back to finish this off. Notes as I read.

SPOILERS


Quoted Text
Roger stands at the hatch, next to a large stack of supplies.
Heís surrounded by gear: his hazmat suit, gas canisters, his
shotgun, etc.


It's a very minor nitpick and maybe more personal preference, but I don't like seeing etc. in a script. You are setting the scene. I think you should let us know what we should be seeing if its important enough or just don't worry about etc.



Quoted Text
Th now-empty bag of popcorn sits nearby.


Pg 71 - The


Quoted Text
TUCKER (O.S.)
I'm still pretty, if that's what
you're wondering.


For me Tucker's humour still feels very out of place considering the gravity of the situation.


Quoted Text
LINCOLN
Howdy, cowboy.
TUCKER
(southern drawl)
Yee haw, pardner.


And again.


Quoted Text
She slinks to toward her bed.


Pg 102 - get rid of the to.


Quoted Text
His own first shot misses and Roger returns fire. But, the
second finds its mark: the oxygen tank explodes, rocketing
Roger back into the bedroom.


This seems like a strange thing to do. If he can hit a gas tank he can hit Roger. The gas tank is also way more unpredictable (in real life). This is a script and you can do what you want, but I just found it odd.


Quoted Text
Lincoln holds the button in the air and presses it.


Again, this seems like a strange thing to do. They are still in the silo. Not knowing the exact effect of the explosion makes this an unlikely choice in my mind. In saying that it may stem from a bigger issue I have that I will address in a minute.

And I'm done.

I think my two biggest issues, and it is very likely they are my own, are:

1) I really struggled to get a clear idea of the setup of the silo, like where anything was in conjunction to anything else and the actual size of it. This leads back to what I said before about detonating the explosives. Where they in a presumably in safe place to do so?

2) I really struggled with a lot of the action inside the silo. The MacGyver type stuff, and how Lincoln and Ali move around the place with the bed, and the bridges. I just couldn't get a clear picture of what was actually going on.

But I still feel the bigger picture was there . I understood their motivations for the most part, your protags have clearly defined arcs, and there is a decent twist/back story to the events.

I feel it started stronger than it ended, but it was an enjoyable read.

I think as far as features goes, this would be pretty low budget and easy enough to make for a resourceful filmmaker.

Congrats on getting to fade out on another feature. Your writing, other than the clarity of what you were trying to show me in parts, is a pleasure to read.


To View All My Scripts Please Use The Link Below

My Website

My IMDb

Revision History (1 edits)
Warren  -  January 9th, 2019, 7:26pm
Logged
Private Message Reply: 7 - 16
PKCardinal
Posted: January 12th, 2019, 3:23pm Report to Moderator
Purple



Location
Kansas
Posts
237
Posts Per Day
0.52
Warren,

Thanks for the notes... and thank you for investing so much time in my script. I really appreciate it.

You brought up some great points. And, I don't think it's just you. From the very beginning, I've been wrestling those details (describing the layout). Onscreen, the audience will literally see a map of the setup... but, getting it on paper has proved more difficult than one would expect.

Regarding shooting the oxygen tank... I guess I've played too many video games! Pretty good example of me trying just a bit too hard to make things more interesting.

The point of this script was to write a low-budget thriller that would be easy to shoot. I've got an idea for a much bigger version of this script... but, I doubt I'll ever write that one up.

One more thanks... and great catch on the typos. I hate those little beasts.

Best,
Paul


PaulKWrites.com

60 Feet Under - Low budget, contained thriller/Feature
The Hand of God - Low budget, semi-contained thriller/Feature

Many shorts available for production: comedy, thriller, drama
Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 8 - 16
Warren
Posted: January 12th, 2019, 9:42pm Report to Moderator
Yellow



Location
Sydney, Australia
Posts
1809
Posts Per Day
1.77
I definitely think this story is worth pursuing, it has a lot of good stuff going for it.

If you don't mind me asking, what would you add to the bigger version of the script?


To View All My Scripts Please Use The Link Below

My Website

My IMDb
Logged
Private Message Reply: 9 - 16
PKCardinal
Posted: January 13th, 2019, 1:38pm Report to Moderator
Purple



Location
Kansas
Posts
237
Posts Per Day
0.52
Warren,

I'll PM you the bigger idea.

PK


PaulKWrites.com

60 Feet Under - Low budget, contained thriller/Feature
The Hand of God - Low budget, semi-contained thriller/Feature

Many shorts available for production: comedy, thriller, drama
Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 10 - 16
PKCardinal
Posted: January 13th, 2019, 1:54pm Report to Moderator
Purple



Location
Kansas
Posts
237
Posts Per Day
0.52
Oh, and I thought of a way to keep the oxygen tank thing in. Roger ducks behind something, so Lincoln needs the indirect shot. It's a simple fix that allows me to keep the slightly more interesting action.


PaulKWrites.com

60 Feet Under - Low budget, contained thriller/Feature
The Hand of God - Low budget, semi-contained thriller/Feature

Many shorts available for production: comedy, thriller, drama
Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 11 - 16
Warren
Posted: January 13th, 2019, 7:11pm Report to Moderator
Yellow



Location
Sydney, Australia
Posts
1809
Posts Per Day
1.77
Great, thanks.

And yes that will work perfectly.


To View All My Scripts Please Use The Link Below

My Website

My IMDb
Logged
Private Message Reply: 12 - 16
PKCardinal
Posted: January 24th, 2019, 5:30pm Report to Moderator
Purple



Location
Kansas
Posts
237
Posts Per Day
0.52
Warren,

Wanted to give you a shout out on your notes. I entered 60 Feet Under into a local screenwriting contest. (Advanced, but didn't win.)

Over the course of the contest, I received 3 separate sets of notes. ALL 3 mentioned the same note regarding Tucker's too-light tone in the third act.

Just wanted you to know: you're on the mark.

I knew you were... but, it's interesting to see such agreement across the board.

I'll have an updated script up soon.

Thanks!


PaulKWrites.com

60 Feet Under - Low budget, contained thriller/Feature
The Hand of God - Low budget, semi-contained thriller/Feature

Many shorts available for production: comedy, thriller, drama
Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 13 - 16
Warren
Posted: January 24th, 2019, 6:25pm Report to Moderator
Yellow



Location
Sydney, Australia
Posts
1809
Posts Per Day
1.77

Quoted from PKCardinal
Warren,

Wanted to give you a shout out on your notes. I entered 60 Feet Under into a local screenwriting contest. (Advanced, but didn't win.)

Over the course of the contest, I received 3 separate sets of notes. ALL 3 mentioned the same note regarding Tucker's too-light tone in the third act.

Just wanted you to know: you're on the mark.

I knew you were... but, it's interesting to see such agreement across the board.

I'll have an updated script up soon.

Thanks!



Hey Paul,

Good to know. I'd love to see the notes if you are happy to share, be interesting to see someone elseís detailed notes on the script.

Let me know when the update goes up, I'll give it another read.


To View All My Scripts Please Use The Link Below

My Website

My IMDb
Logged
Private Message Reply: 14 - 16
 Pages: 1, 2 » : All
Recommend Print

Locked Board Board Index    Thriller Scripts  [ previous | next ] Switch to:
Was Portal Recent Posts Home Help Calendar Search Register Login

Forum Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post polls
You may not post attachments
HTML is on
Blah Code is on
Smilies are on


Powered by E-Blah Platinum 9.71B © 2001-2006