I like the logline, it drew me in which I guess is the point of them.
So I was hopeful when I opened this up. But then - BAM - absolutely humungous blocks of text on the first page.
That is seriously off-putting. Imagine a professional script reader for a producer seeing that. They read god knows how many scripts a day, seeing that they will most likely chuck it on the PASS pile.
You need to break that up - guidance is no more than 4 lines.
Breaking it up will make reading it a helluva lot easier. If someone does decide to get past it, they will skim through that big block of text and anything important contained in the middle will probably be missed.
Read some good scripts and see how they break up the action/description, see how they convey a lot of information and emotion in as few words as possible.