Just another quickie as it's beddy bos time...
Michael, rather than hit you hard, here are a couple of jabs.
Left Jab. Right off the bat, I'll have to admit that I was somewhat confused as to the genre; the whole thing struck me as being totally funny tone, making me wonder if it would develop into a straight comedy. Okay, so scrolling back up... yep, I did read that right - based on what Iíve seen so far this is more of a comedy than anything.
You see the problem now? Thrillers need to open with Thrills. There's no way around that. In the first ten pages of the script you make a promise to the reader about what genre you intend to deliver on. But you've broken it.
You're gunning for one thing and writing something else - this makes me wonder how competent the screenplay is. That's not a diss, just something that you should bear in mind. Define your genre and audience and write to it.
Methinks our natural instincts are to make light of many situations. You titled this as a thriller but like I said, all thatís coming across is a comedic tone. Which isn't a bad thing but I think you have to pick your spots when you do it because it cheapens the thriller tone in your story. What I am saying is stay true to the thriller tone and sprinkle in humor here and there, but not too much?
Right Jab. This will sting. Really not feeling it. I found the a/d very pedestrian and, well, uninspiring. It came across like those letters kids write: "and then we went to the shops, and then I had ice cream, ad then I went home, and then...."
Plus- Why are they out there in the woods? To poke a sleeping bear? My spidey senses tells me no, but... the point is, it's some what important to pound in the motive for the audience you're looking for. I think...
I'd cut some of the superfluous dialogue, particularly the sexual innuendos, and how great the cheeseburgers taste. I'm thinking: "just get on with the story already!"
Logline-wise, Its job is to sell the story, not tell the story. Donít worry about every detail of the story in the logline. My advice would be to read scripts, get a few good screenwriting books, go over to basics here on Simply Scripts and brush up on the craft, etc.
At any rate, welcome to the board & good luck with this.-A