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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    Unproduced Screenplay Discussion    Thriller Scripts  ›  Sanctuary Moderators: bert
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Don
Posted: September 5th, 2020, 10:56am Report to Moderator
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So, what are you writing?

Location
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Sanctuary by Oscar Moreno - Thriller - In order to protect a young immigrant, an activist must prevent a group of white supremacists from breaking into her home. 82 pages - pdf format

Writer interested in feedback on this work



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eldave1
Posted: September 5th, 2020, 7:47pm Report to Moderator
Of The Ancients



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Southern California
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Was able to take in the first ten - pretty good - mostly nit issues.


Quoted Text
Carlos has a fatherly energy and look to him, even if his age makes
him look younger than he is.


I have no idea what this means. I don't know what fatherly energy is and how does one age make them look younger???

This:


Quoted Text
Carlos gets into his bed.


Is an issue throughout - you tend to use boring verbs. e.g., scampers into bed. Jumps into bed.  Some verb that describes the action more visually. Look for all the walks, sits, etc in your script and see if you can't use a verb with more pop.

Overall - liked the first ten


My Scripts can all be seen here:

http://dlambertson.wix.com/scripts
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OscarM
Posted: September 8th, 2020, 3:48am Report to Moderator
New-ish


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Quoted from eldave1
Was able to take in the first ten - pretty good - mostly nit issues.



I have no idea what this means. I don't know what fatherly energy is and how does one age make them look younger???

This:



Is an issue throughout - you tend to use boring verbs. e.g., scampers into bed. Jumps into bed.  Some verb that describes the action more visually. Look for all the walks, sits, etc in your script and see if you can't use a verb with more pop.

Overall - liked the first ten


Thanks for the feedback, Dave! Iím glad you enjoyed the first ten pages despite those issues.



More of my scripts on the link, please let me know if you'd like to read one of them! https://www.scriptrevolution.com/profiles/oscar-moreno
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eldave1
Posted: September 8th, 2020, 3:49pm Report to Moderator
Of The Ancients



Location
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My pleasure


My Scripts can all be seen here:

http://dlambertson.wix.com/scripts
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