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OZ (CONT’D) Back from the dead. I heard a rumor you got yourself whacked in prison.
I think the above needs to go. He held onto his car, he lept it gassed up and if he was any kind of friend he would know Richard was alive. I'd be tempted to reference the metal plate here. i.e, rather than Oz being surprised - maybe:
OZ You look better than I thought you would. They must do pretty good work in those prison hospitals.
RICHARD They specialize in metal plates and screws.
You get the point - Oz would know whether or not Richard is dead.
Here:
Quoted Text
Officer Hayden hooks his keys onto a rack after entering, hanging up his jacket next.
Maybe change to
Officer Hayden, now seven years older and thirty pounds fatter, hooks his keys onto a rack after entering, hanging up his jacket next.
Just as kind of a reminder that this was the side we met earlier
A little too much talking, exposition. I just changed it to BUD: (staring down at her) This isn't right, man.
The Doctor points his gun down at her.
BUD: She's fucking pregnant. (as if trying to talk him out of it, trying to remind him that this isn't right).
Then maybe just don't mention it all.
WARNING - OUT OF THE BLUE THOUGHT COMING
Not really fair of me at this point - but what the fuck - there is a brand new story angle you could explore - what if...... She's not pregnant.
She had the kid and they whacked her shortly after. Maybe even sold the kid off for adoption or something. Then Richard has two objectives - 1) revenge 2) find his child.
Surely, only worth exploring this angle if this falls out of development. Just wanted to jot the thought down as it came to me.
Not really fair of me at this point - but what the fuck - there is a brand new story angle you could explore - what if...... She's not pregnant.
She had the kid and they whacked her shortly after. Maybe even sold the kid off for adoption or something. Then Richard has two objectives - 1) revenge 2) find his child.
Surely, only worth exploring this angle if this falls out of development. Just wanted to jot the thought down as it came to me.
Considering the twist at the end, gotta keep her pregnant. Adds shock to the scene, too. Gotta make the baddies so hate-able that when they get theirs at the end, it's more satisfying. And we tried that angle (him looking for the kid) in previous drafts, just didn't work for us. It got to the point where I actually started from scratch after writing 5 drafts -- this is now the 4th draft of the latest incarnation of the script. We wanted to keep it as focused as possible (like Kill Bill, Drive, John Wick, etc). I see how him looking for the kid while people are trying to stop him can add intrigue, but I wanted the focus to be revenge. Maybe for another script.
As for not mentioning it at all, it was important to set up the Bud character so that the twist would be more believable. I wanted to show him have remorse. I think it works fine with him just saying pleadingly "She's fucking pregnant". It's not exposition at all since it's not explaining anything, he's just showing his doubt, trying to convince The Doctor that maybe there's another way.
Considering the twist at the end, gotta keep her pregnant. Adds shock to the scene, too. Gotta make the baddies so hate-able that when they get theirs at the end, it's more satisfying. And we tried that angle (him looking for the kid) in previous drafts, just didn't work for us. It got to the point where I actually started from scratch after writing 5 drafts -- this is now the 4th draft of the latest incarnation of the script. We wanted to keep it as focused as possible (like Kill Bill, Drive, John Wick, etc). I see how him looking for the kid while people are trying to stop him can add intrigue, but I wanted the focus to be revenge. Maybe for another script.
As for not mentioning it at all, it was important to set up the Bud character so that the twist would be more believable. I wanted to show him have remorse. I think it works fine with him just saying pleadingly "She's fucking pregnant". It's not exposition at all since it's not explaining anything, he's just showing his doubt, trying to convince The Doctor that maybe there's another way.
-- Michael
Got it on the baby thing.
Not sure you quite understand my point on Bud's remorse. It's not that he shouldn't have any. I think it is good for the story that he does.
But - the way the scene is written - at least to my eyes - is that he has the remorse after he beats the shit out of her, which is just an odd time to have remorse. I know he doesn't beat her up based on your clarification - but the scene reads that way to me. Anyway - will get to more later - I generally like the changes I have seen so far.
Other than the items I mentioned in the first review, I have one nit - more on that in a bit.
The characters seemed thicker. more fleshed out in this version vs the first one for me. I didn't go back and do a comparison of the scripts per se = but I did get a sense in this version I had more of feel for their background and motivations.
The nit - too late to change for sure - but I would have liked to see Richard have to work a little bit harder on the background info related to The Doctor. It's all kind of handed to him by Oz. I would have preferred if the Dancer had some info form him visiting the club to meet with Gideon et al and Richard has to piece it together from there. Like I said, would have just been my preference - what you have is fine.
It's well paced and efficient as well - both reads were a breeze. Kudos and good luck on this one.
LAST ADD
If this one ever falls out of production, I'd consider a feature based on The Doctor - he's a fabulous villain and you could really hang on feature on his character alone.
I read this and just wanted to say I enjoyed it. Liked the character of Richard.
Was this a work for hire?
~Arundel
Thanks, Arundel. Yeah, I teamed up with the same director of my most recent feature film, "Rage". It's kinda/sorta based on his short film of the same name.
Other than the items I mentioned in the first review, I have one nit - more on that in a bit.
The characters seemed thicker. more fleshed out in this version vs the first one for me. I didn't go back and do a comparison of the scripts per se = but I did get a sense in this version I had more of feel for their background and motivations.
The nit - too late to change for sure - but I would have liked to see Richard have to work a little bit harder on the background info related to The Doctor. It's all kind of handed to him by Oz. I would have preferred if the Dancer had some info form him visiting the club to meet with Gideon et al and Richard has to piece it together from there. Like I said, would have just been my preference - what you have is fine.
It's well paced and efficient as well - both reads were a breeze. Kudos and good luck on this one.
LAST ADD
If this one ever falls out of production, I'd consider a feature based on The Doctor - he's a fabulous villain and you could really hang on feature on his character alone.
Thanks for giving this another go, Dave, really appreciate it. Yeah, I have a feeling we might try to find a better way for Richard to get that information about The Doctor. I was going for a John Wick kinda thing, but hyping up the villain.
Thanks for giving this another go, Dave, really appreciate it. Yeah, I have a feeling we might try to find a better way for Richard to get that information about The Doctor. I was going for a John Wick kinda thing, but hyping up the villain.
Latest draft up after resubmitting. If you've read the previous draft (which I posted the link for rather than submitting on SS), there aren't too many drastic changes, just dialogue touch-up.