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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    Unproduced Screenplay Discussion    Thriller Scripts  ›  Dancer - Michael Kospiah looking for thoughts Moderators: bert
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  Author    Dancer - Michael Kospiah looking for thoughts  (currently 1357 views)
eldave1
Posted: March 16th, 2021, 4:34pm Report to Moderator
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Quoted Text
OZ (CONTíD)
Back from the dead. I heard a rumor
you got yourself whacked in prison.


I think the above needs to go. He held onto his car, he lept it gassed up and if he was any kind of friend he would know Richard was alive. I'd be tempted to reference the metal plate here. i.e, rather than Oz being surprised - maybe:

OZ
You look better than I thought you would.
They must do pretty good work in those
prison hospitals.

RICHARD
They specialize in metal plates and screws.

You get the point - Oz would know whether or not Richard is dead.

Here:


Quoted Text
Officer Hayden hooks his keys onto a rack after entering,
hanging up his jacket next.


Maybe change to

Officer Hayden, now seven years older and thirty pounds fatter, hooks his keys onto a rack after entering, hanging up his jacket next.

Just as kind of a reminder that this was the side we met earlier

I liked the Maya Angelou quote - nice touch





My Scripts can all be seen here:

http://dlambertson.wix.com/scripts
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eldave1
Posted: March 16th, 2021, 4:44pm Report to Moderator
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Quoted from spesh2k


A little too much talking, exposition. I just changed it to BUD: (staring down at her) This isn't right, man.

The Doctor points his gun down at her.

BUD: She's fucking pregnant. (as if trying to talk him out of it, trying to remind him that this isn't right).




Then maybe just don't mention it all.

WARNING - OUT OF THE BLUE THOUGHT COMING

Not really fair of me at this point - but what the fuck - there is a brand new story angle you could explore - what if...... She's not pregnant.

She had the kid and they whacked her shortly after. Maybe even sold the kid off for adoption or something. Then Richard has two objectives - 1) revenge 2) find his child.

Surely, only worth exploring this angle if this falls out of development. Just wanted to jot the thought down as it came to me.


My Scripts can all be seen here:

http://dlambertson.wix.com/scripts
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spesh2k
Posted: March 16th, 2021, 5:19pm Report to Moderator
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Quoted from eldave1


Then maybe just don't mention it all.

WARNING - OUT OF THE BLUE THOUGHT COMING

Not really fair of me at this point - but what the fuck - there is a brand new story angle you could explore - what if...... She's not pregnant.

She had the kid and they whacked her shortly after. Maybe even sold the kid off for adoption or something. Then Richard has two objectives - 1) revenge 2) find his child.

Surely, only worth exploring this angle if this falls out of development. Just wanted to jot the thought down as it came to me.


Considering the twist at the end, gotta keep her pregnant. Adds shock to the scene, too. Gotta make the baddies so hate-able that when they get theirs at the end, it's more satisfying. And we tried that angle (him looking for the kid) in previous drafts, just didn't work for us. It got to the point where I actually started from scratch after writing 5 drafts -- this is now the 4th draft of the latest incarnation of the script. We wanted to keep it as focused as possible (like Kill Bill, Drive, John Wick, etc). I see how him looking for the kid while people are trying to stop him can add intrigue, but I wanted the focus to be revenge. Maybe for another script.

As for not mentioning it at all, it was important to set up the Bud character so that the twist would be more believable. I wanted to show him have remorse. I think it works fine with him just saying pleadingly "She's fucking pregnant". It's not exposition at all since it's not explaining anything, he's just showing his doubt, trying to convince The Doctor that maybe there's another way.

-- Michael


THE SUICIDE THEORY (Amazon Prime, 79% Rotten Tomatoes) https://www.imdb.com/title/tt2517300/?ref_=nm_knf_i1
RAGE (Coming Feb. 2021) https://www.imdb.com/title/tt8874764/?ref_=nm_knf_i2

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eldave1
Posted: March 16th, 2021, 5:53pm Report to Moderator
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Quoted from spesh2k


Considering the twist at the end, gotta keep her pregnant. Adds shock to the scene, too. Gotta make the baddies so hate-able that when they get theirs at the end, it's more satisfying. And we tried that angle (him looking for the kid) in previous drafts, just didn't work for us. It got to the point where I actually started from scratch after writing 5 drafts -- this is now the 4th draft of the latest incarnation of the script. We wanted to keep it as focused as possible (like Kill Bill, Drive, John Wick, etc). I see how him looking for the kid while people are trying to stop him can add intrigue, but I wanted the focus to be revenge. Maybe for another script.

As for not mentioning it at all, it was important to set up the Bud character so that the twist would be more believable. I wanted to show him have remorse. I think it works fine with him just saying pleadingly "She's fucking pregnant". It's not exposition at all since it's not explaining anything, he's just showing his doubt, trying to convince The Doctor that maybe there's another way.

-- Michael


Got it on the baby thing.

Not sure you quite understand my point on Bud's remorse. It's not that he shouldn't have any. I think it is good for the story that he does.

But - the way the scene is written - at least to my eyes - is that he has the remorse after he beats the shit out of her, which is just an odd time to have remorse.  I know he doesn't beat her up based on your clarification - but the scene reads that way to me.  Anyway - will get to more later - I generally like the changes I have seen so far.


My Scripts can all be seen here:

http://dlambertson.wix.com/scripts
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spesh2k
Posted: March 16th, 2021, 6:25pm Report to Moderator
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Thanks dude. Let me know if you got anything I should check out so I can return the favor.


THE SUICIDE THEORY (Amazon Prime, 79% Rotten Tomatoes) https://www.imdb.com/title/tt2517300/?ref_=nm_knf_i1
RAGE (Coming Feb. 2021) https://www.imdb.com/title/tt8874764/?ref_=nm_knf_i2

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eldave1
Posted: March 16th, 2021, 6:38pm Report to Moderator
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Quoted from spesh2k
Thanks dude. Let me know if you got anything I should check out so I can return the favor.


coming soon


My Scripts can all be seen here:

http://dlambertson.wix.com/scripts
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eldave1
Posted: March 16th, 2021, 7:30pm Report to Moderator
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Moving on. Through 40 - looking good. Only one minor point.

I'd be tempted to end the scene with the babysitter - here:


Quoted Text
DALLAS
Itís not him Iím worried about.


The what she had for dinner stuff just feels a bit like filler.



My Scripts can all be seen here:

http://dlambertson.wix.com/scripts
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spesh2k
Posted: March 16th, 2021, 7:38pm Report to Moderator
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Yes, good point.


THE SUICIDE THEORY (Amazon Prime, 79% Rotten Tomatoes) https://www.imdb.com/title/tt2517300/?ref_=nm_knf_i1
RAGE (Coming Feb. 2021) https://www.imdb.com/title/tt8874764/?ref_=nm_knf_i2

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eldave1
Posted: March 17th, 2021, 7:03pm Report to Moderator
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So, finished this up for the second time.  

Other than the items I mentioned in the first review, I have one nit - more on that in a bit.

The characters seemed thicker. more fleshed out in this version vs the first one for me. I didn't go back and do a comparison of the scripts per se = but I did get a sense in this version I had more of  feel for their background and motivations.

The nit - too late to change for sure - but I would have liked to see Richard have to work a little bit harder on the background info related to The Doctor. It's all kind of handed to him by Oz. I would have preferred if the Dancer had some info form him visiting the club to meet with Gideon et al and Richard has to piece it together from there.  Like I said, would have just been my preference - what you have is fine.

It's well paced and efficient as well - both reads were a breeze. Kudos and good luck on this one.

LAST ADD

If this one ever falls out of production, I'd consider a feature based on The Doctor - he's a fabulous villain and you could really hang on feature on his character alone.


My Scripts can all be seen here:

http://dlambertson.wix.com/scripts
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Arundel
Posted: March 17th, 2021, 11:42pm Report to Moderator
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Good evening,

I read this and just wanted to say I enjoyed it. Liked the character of Richard.

Was this a work for hire?

~Arundel
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spesh2k
Posted: March 18th, 2021, 7:55am Report to Moderator
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Quoted from Arundel
Good evening,

I read this and just wanted to say I enjoyed it. Liked the character of Richard.

Was this a work for hire?

~Arundel


Thanks, Arundel. Yeah, I teamed up with the same director of my most recent feature film, "Rage". It's kinda/sorta based on his short film of the same name.


THE SUICIDE THEORY (Amazon Prime, 79% Rotten Tomatoes) https://www.imdb.com/title/tt2517300/?ref_=nm_knf_i1
RAGE (Coming Feb. 2021) https://www.imdb.com/title/tt8874764/?ref_=nm_knf_i2

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spesh2k
Posted: March 18th, 2021, 7:58am Report to Moderator
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Quoted from eldave1
So, finished this up for the second time.  

Other than the items I mentioned in the first review, I have one nit - more on that in a bit.

The characters seemed thicker. more fleshed out in this version vs the first one for me. I didn't go back and do a comparison of the scripts per se = but I did get a sense in this version I had more of  feel for their background and motivations.

The nit - too late to change for sure - but I would have liked to see Richard have to work a little bit harder on the background info related to The Doctor. It's all kind of handed to him by Oz. I would have preferred if the Dancer had some info form him visiting the club to meet with Gideon et al and Richard has to piece it together from there.  Like I said, would have just been my preference - what you have is fine.

It's well paced and efficient as well - both reads were a breeze. Kudos and good luck on this one.

LAST ADD

If this one ever falls out of production, I'd consider a feature based on The Doctor - he's a fabulous villain and you could really hang on feature on his character alone.


Thanks for giving this another go, Dave, really appreciate it. Yeah, I have a feeling we might try to find a better way for Richard to get that information about The Doctor. I was going for a John Wick kinda thing, but hyping up the villain.


THE SUICIDE THEORY (Amazon Prime, 79% Rotten Tomatoes) https://www.imdb.com/title/tt2517300/?ref_=nm_knf_i1
RAGE (Coming Feb. 2021) https://www.imdb.com/title/tt8874764/?ref_=nm_knf_i2

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eldave1
Posted: March 18th, 2021, 10:39am Report to Moderator
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Quoted from spesh2k


Thanks for giving this another go, Dave, really appreciate it. Yeah, I have a feeling we might try to find a better way for Richard to get that information about The Doctor. I was going for a John Wick kinda thing, but hyping up the villain.


My pleasure - look forward to watching this!


My Scripts can all be seen here:

http://dlambertson.wix.com/scripts
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spesh2k
Posted: April 3rd, 2021, 7:32am Report to Moderator
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Latest draft up after resubmitting. If you've read the previous draft (which I posted the link for rather than submitting on SS), there aren't too many drastic changes, just dialogue touch-up.

-- Michael


THE SUICIDE THEORY (Amazon Prime, 79% Rotten Tomatoes) https://www.imdb.com/title/tt2517300/?ref_=nm_knf_i1
RAGE (Coming Feb. 2021) https://www.imdb.com/title/tt8874764/?ref_=nm_knf_i2

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