Welcome to Jonestown by Aaron Guzzo - Thriller - A teenage boy desperately tries to get himself and his unwilling family out of the clutches of Jim Jones' murderous suicide cult in the jungles of South America before it's too late. 108 pages - pdf format

Writer interested in feedback on this work

I've never had a script hold my attention the way this one did. The Jonestown story is one that's brutal and really sticks with you, and you've done such a wonderful job of recreating that feeling.

A few thoughts I had while reading- there are a LOT of characters and it was really easy to get them confused. I totally understand the mass of people that were in this place and how each character in the story played such a big part. But I think shaving off even a little bit of how much we see these side characters can make the story easier to follow- it might be easier for more visual people, though, so as always, grain of salt, haha.

My other thought was how interesting it would be if Tommy were actually on board to be here in Jonestown. From the beginning, there was a skepticism of this place because of Tommy's attitude. I really like how there's this discourse between the family in the beginning, but as the story progresses, it's never really mentioned again. I think creating a little more of that tension could go a long way. For example, what if it's Jim that brings the skepticism for Tommy? So we go more on this journey with him instead of just knowing off the bat that this place isn't great?

Just some thoughts! I'd love to sit down and watch this, you're an incredibly talented writer!

Thank you so much for your kind words and intriguing thoughts. I'll noodle on this.

All the Best,

Aaron

Hi, Aaron.

Enjoyed the script. Jonestown has been pretty well-chronicled, I guess, but you tell a captivating story. Especially the escape sequence had me on seat's edge.

It seems quite good as is, but I did have a couple thoughts on changes you could make. Depending on your own vision, of course; I may be way off:

- First, could maybe use more frequent reminders of how big the place is? There are 1,000 people in Jonestown, but it might be easy to forget that focusing on the actions of only a handful of them:

1. Maybe more camera shots from a distance, showing the true size of the population, before zooming in? Or maybe you're doing this already - in scenes like on p. 18, where another new group arrives, and "Jonestown residents again run to the road," and p. 40, where "the people of Jonestown shuffle back from the fields"?

2. Maybe show Jones a couple times giving orders to other unnamed lieutenants, who then leave to do whatever he said, before he turns to deal directly with the handful of residents we know about? E.g. on p. 16, just before he "marches across the field toward" Zippy and Hyacinth.

3. Maybe have more people involved in Jonestown "cabinet meetings," including several whose names we don't need to know? E.g. the meeting on p. 30 is just "Jones, Marceline, Debbie, Joe Wilson" - certainly not enough to run a 1,000-person camp (although I guess in this case the meeting is not actually about camp operations….)


- Second, for me at least, understanding the psychology behind this story is big. I am always mystified that this could happen (in Jonestown and elsewhere), and wonder what's up with these people:

1. I guess I'm convinced by the mass of followers. They idolize Jones, and mindlessly hate anyone who resists him - like what we see in more typical societies, too. Or, for the ones with their own minds who don't believe anymore, I guess they've just given up (with a few exceptions, as we see in the story).

2. And I suppose Jones is understandable. He's totally lost it – megalomania + drug-induced paranoia? Have to wonder what he believed when he started out, sounds like he might have wanted to do good for people once? But that's all finished now, he sees them only as possessions that he's accumulated, to be used as he pleases. But anyway… lots of good scenes showing us who Jones is….

3. The upper-level administration needed to run Jonestown are the most interesting to me. I assume they're intelligent, so it's always a puzzle what their motivations are. Some surely know it's all bullshit, but go along because this is the career they've chosen (banality of evil stuff)? Dunno. The Debbie evolution from respect for Jones to finally defecting is good, but it might be interesting to have a brief exchange between a couple others of them (Maria Katsaris and Gene Chaikin, maybe – in their final scene) touching on this question? Based on artistic license, of course….

4. The muscle (guards) that every cult needs to keep order? Don't know if they all believe in Jones or not. They're equipped with guns, so can force the sheep to drink the poison, but wouldn't they themselves then be able to resist – since they're armed? Joe Wilson just went along with "Father"'s command at the end, meekly, but he obviously didn't want to die. Might be interesting to show what happens when the peons are dead and it's only the guards (and the nurses?) left. I would expect at least some to say "F--k this!" and try to break inertia and escape. (But in the actual Jonestown they apparently all went along, drank the poison and died, too? Hmmm… that's what you call 'following orders'!)

***
Had a few other random thoughts too while reading, for whatever they're worth:

pp. 2-3 – Sadie "RUNS down the aisle, twirling in ecstasy" and "look[ing] ten years younger." Great opening scene. But does make me wonder. I assume Sadie was not a plant, and if not this is pretty remarkable - climbing out of a wheelchair to "run" and "twirl in ecstasy." Hypnosis, obviously… guess she wasn't as confined to a wheelchair as she thought she was – and Jones knew it? Seems like he did have a gift, anyway, and surely could have helped people if that had been important to him….  

p. 12 – D: "This is where you'll be learning Russian." Maybe, somewhere in the script, the reason for their wanting to learn Russian might be mentioned?

p. 14 – M: "Well… at least celibacy is one of the strictest rules here." Hilarious to have that next scene just after she says this….

p. 15 – "A line of people… pass buckets of water from the well at one end of the line to Jonestown at the other." Unclear picture to me; how about if they pass their buckets from "the well near the forest edge, across the field all the way to Jonestown"?

pp. 16-17 – Great scene – from Hyacinth's whispered defiance of Jones up through the water fight. A couple different sides of Jones, including a momentary relapse to a seemingly decent side (unless his taking Hyacinth's place in line and starting that hilarious water fight was all just for show….)

p. 19 – H: "We're in your debt, buddy." Yeah this Harold guy is a great, irritating character. Enjoyed his dynamic with Jim (e.g. p. 38 – "So what'd you get her for her birthday?")

p. 24 – S: And that's just me. He's done something like that to damn near everyone here. So you understand a little better why they clapped when he said he was God?" Good background info here – helping us understand why a lot of people came to this concentration camp in the first place….

p. 35 – Nice scene with Tommy and the Amerindians.

p. 36 – Tommy "stumbles upon Joe Wilson, firing a machine gun into the air." Larry's with him, too, but maybe we should also see various other guards watching in the distance? It's a big camp….

p. 44 – Cool coded message – HELP. Not sure I buy it, though, since Gene's daughter is only 11. Did they agree on this form of communication before he left?

p. 50 – E: "What you deserve is to be stood up against a wall and shot, and it should be me who does it, since I'm the one who brought you into the world... And I should… then kill myself." Edith a puzzle to me. Did she really mean this, or was she perhaps trying to manipulate Jones to save her son? Not sure what to make of her behavior at the end either, when she catches her husbands trying to escape and finally flees in desperation with them….
  
p. 53 – "Gene lays on his bed, still drugged out." Don't want to come off as a vocabulary scold, because I also get confused on this one, but think it should be "lies" instead of "lays" here. We see this mix-up a few other times in the script, too….

pp. 60-61 – The "Uh… I prepared a… uh… [god-awful] song… for you, Father" sequence. Ha, brilliant! Maybe this didn't really happen?

p. 66 – Jones: "I want you to get him whatever he needs." Jim Bogue well understands by now what makes Jones tick, and easily manipulates him to help with their plan.

p. 69 – Jim "produces a box full of brand-new Bibles" to use as toilet paper. "We got plenty of these," he says to Debbie. Which is what finally pushes Debbie over the edge, so a pivotal scene obviously, I loved it. Did this really happen?

p. 82 – "Now that the T is missing it spells JONES OWN." Very appropriately, one might add. Nice touch!

p. 84 – Liked the two groups of escapees running into each other. Interesting that they both, unbeknownst to each other, used Ryan's arrival as the diversion to make their moves….

p. 87 – "Tommy, Juanita, Edith and Harold bolt away as fast as they can." Doesn't seem like Edith would "bolt away" like that, though. She's not trying to escape, she thinks she's following Jones's orders. Or has she suddenly, somehow snapped back to reality?

p. 99 – OBM: "We're all ready to go. If you tell us we have to give our lives now, we're ready – the rest of the sisters and brothers are with me." Good line, pretty revealing of the mindset of a lot of the population.

p. 101 – "A nurse escorts Joe out back." Hmmm… so there are other nurses here, not just Maria?

p. 103 – Janice: "I'll get you out of here." I guess because she feels guilty knowing he gave up his escape attempt for her. Hard to imagine she'd do this, though - she's only 18. True story?

p. 104 – Maria "has a syringe in her hand. She goes in and shuts the door behind her." To inject Gene, obviously. Gotta wonder how she ends her own life, and why; might be interesting to have her say a few words to Gene revealing her mindset….

p. 104 – "Some of Jones' female aides accompany them." Don't know which female aides this refers to, we haven't seen any to this point in the story, I don't think….


Anyway… good story you tell here. All the best with it.

Hi Michael!

Thank you for all the comments and suggestions! I suppose once it's out of my hands and in a director's hands, some of these suggestions of yours will organically become reality. Really glad you took the time to read it!

All the best,

Aaron