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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    Unproduced Screenplay Discussion    Thriller Scripts  ›  Welcome to Jonestown Moderators: bert
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  Author    Welcome to Jonestown  (currently 317 views)
Don
Posted: June 13th, 2021, 8:18am Report to Moderator
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So, what are you writing?

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Welcome to Jonestown by Aaron Guzzo - Thriller - The true story of a family's desperate attempt to escape from Jim Jones' murderous suicide cult in the jungles of South America in 1978. 106 pages - pdf format

Writer interested in feedback on this work



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Sarah
Posted: June 21st, 2021, 3:26pm Report to Moderator
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I've never had a script hold my attention the way this one did. The Jonestown story is one that's brutal and really sticks with you, and you've done such a wonderful job of recreating that feeling.

A few thoughts I had while reading- there are a LOT of characters and it was really easy to get them confused. I totally understand the mass of people that were in this place and how each character in the story played such a big part. But I think shaving off even a little bit of how much we see these side characters can make the story easier to follow- it might be easier for more visual people, though, so as always, grain of salt, haha.

My other thought was how interesting it would be if Tommy were actually on board to be here in Jonestown. From the beginning, there was a skepticism of this place because of Tommy's attitude. I really like how there's this discourse between the family in the beginning, but as the story progresses, it's never really mentioned again. I think creating a little more of that tension could go a long way. For example, what if it's Jim that brings the skepticism for Tommy? So we go more on this journey with him instead of just knowing off the bat that this place isn't great?

Just some thoughts! I'd love to sit down and watch this, you're an incredibly talented writer!


"If it can be written or thought, it can be filmed."

- Stanley Kubrick
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scuzzos
Posted: November 4th, 2021, 4:19pm Report to Moderator
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Thank you so much for your kind words and intriguing thoughts. I'll noodle on this.

All the Best,

Aaron
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