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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    Unproduced Screenplay Discussion    Western Scripts  ›  Out of the Loop Moderators: bert
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  Author    Out of the Loop  (currently 5537 views)
Don
Posted: January 21st, 2006, 6:36pm Report to Moderator
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So, what are you writing?

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Out of the Loop by George Willson - Short, Western - Something is going on in town, and Tom is not the type of guy to enjoy being left out of the loop. - Entry for the January '06 One Week Writing Exercise Thing - pdf, format


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Revision History (2 edits; 1 reasons shown)
Don  -  January 28th, 2006, 12:05pm
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bert
Posted: January 22nd, 2006, 1:00pm Report to Moderator
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This one probably won't emerge as one of the standouts, but on the other hand, there isn't much to complain about with this one, either.  It's a pleasant story, with good formatting, a leisurely pace, and I don't even recall any typos.  

However, I would take exception with the slug "Some town west of the Mississippi".  Give this town a name, real or imagined -- either way is fine.  This is a very awkward slug line, particularly when you use it more than once.

When the surprise comes, it isn't much of a surprise, really.  It is set up and telegraphed fairly well as the story proceeds, so perhaps that might have been the author's intent.  I was hoping that the author would turn the story on its ear at some point, unleashing something a little more sinister than what we expect -- maybe a "Soylent Green" kinda' thing.  But perhaps that's just me.

Instead it's just a cheerful little slice-of-life thing, which is fine.  My biggest piece of advice for the author would be to explore a scenario with a little more conflict, which is the primary element missing from this piece.



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Helio
Posted: January 22nd, 2006, 1:31pm Report to Moderator
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Well written stuff but as Bert said: "...the author would be to explore a scenario with a little more conflict, which is the primary element missing from this piece."

good work here anyway.
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Shelton
Posted: January 23rd, 2006, 12:46pm Report to Moderator
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This was the "feelgood" entry, and I have to say I enjoyed it.  It flowed well, and there was a good payoff.  Like Bert said, there wasn't any conflict, but I really didn't think it was needed.  Although, I suppose there could have been another suitor or something to that effect.

A nice story overall, and I'd be very curious to hear Bert's "Soylent Green" suggestion.


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KenneyP
Posted: January 23rd, 2006, 2:57pm Report to Moderator
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Tom was a funny character always asking questions. I read through it quite quickly even though it contained a lot of dialogue, and boy were those nicely written
I didn't like the story but that's a personal taste because there was nothing wrong with it.
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bert
Posted: January 23rd, 2006, 3:07pm Report to Moderator
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Quoted from Shelton
...I'd be very curious to hear Bert's "Soylent Green" suggestion.


Am I the only one who found all of these polite but evasive townsfolk -- clearly preparing for something -- to be a little...menacing?

I honestly thought this story was going someplace darker.  It certainly could have.


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Shelton
Posted: January 23rd, 2006, 3:59pm Report to Moderator
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I see what you're saying.

Maybe something like "The Lottery"?


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Martin
Posted: January 25th, 2006, 4:23pm Report to Moderator
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Quoted from bert


Am I the only one who found all of these polite but evasive townsfolk -- clearly preparing for something -- to be a little...menacing?

I honestly thought this story was going someplace darker.  It certainly could have.


I was thinking the same thing.

I enjoyed this and, unlike the previous poster, I didn't see a problem with dialogue or grammar. Except maybe on page one where you write "to a passage to" but I think that's just a typo.

The story isn't really to my taste. Like Bert, I was hoping for something a bit darker and I think some conflict (of any kind) could enhance this piece.

One thing stood out as a little odd. On page 6 Tom says "those boys are trouble" yet at the end he seems all to happy to welcome Jim to the family. I was almost expecting him to refuse Jim's proposal. That would have given us some conflict.

That said, I did enjoy it. It's well written and has a 'feel good' quality about it which is quite refreshing.

Nice work!
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Heretic
Posted: January 26th, 2006, 7:34pm Report to Moderator
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Nice and enjoyable, well written.  Totally not my kind of thing, so I can't comment much on it, but I made the same observation as Mabuse about Tom's "boys are trouble" line...which could have been foreshadowing but instead turns out to be nothing.

I don't know.  This was quite good but just not my thing.  


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James McClung
Posted: January 26th, 2006, 9:29pm Report to Moderator
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I liked this one. I identified with the character because I myself felt irritated not knowing what he didn't. The payoff was good as well. I was pleasantly surprised and it felt good combined with the closure of Tom finding out what was going on. Had it been something similar to finding out the secret ingredient of Soylent Green like everyone else is suggesting, I don't think it would have worked as well (though I'm much more accustomed to and mostly prefer the darker stuff). Good job.


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Andy Petrou
Posted: January 28th, 2006, 8:31am Report to Moderator
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Nicely done!

I enjoyed this read, particularly because it had a feel good ending. I really enjoyed your dialogue and think the story, though simple, was sweet. Well written too, I might add.

Can't really fault it to be honest. Well done.

Andy x

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Andy Petrou  -  January 28th, 2006, 1:39pm
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George Willson
Posted: January 28th, 2006, 12:15pm Report to Moderator
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Well, it looks like the cards are on the table. Thanks for reading, and I know the story is a little on the sweet side, but I thought to myself "western," and this was what I came up with. I wanted a more multi-character setting with Tom restocking or something and overhearing pieces of conversation but never the full story. However, it took me so long to come up with anything that I didn't have the time for anyhting so complex, so this is what resulted. I think I'm going soft....

Anyway, appreciate the reads and feedback and I guess if I were to assimilate the feedback, I'll try to be darker and more evil in the future.


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Andy Petrou
Posted: January 28th, 2006, 12:58pm Report to Moderator
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OMG! It was YOU! LOL - Like figuring out a whodunnit in Clue!!

Well done again, George!!

xxx
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herb_West
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George,

A nice read, but didn't grab me. Everything was just too nice, with the payoff being a major dissapointment. Maybe next time you could conjure up something with more conflict...
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greg
Posted: January 28th, 2006, 4:12pm Report to Moderator
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Well, this was a beautiful piece, but as Bert said it's probably not one of the standouts.  Nothing nearly as extreme as getting something shoved up your...

Yeah, so anyway, from the start of the story you could get the sense that something was going on, but whether it was good or bad remained a mystery.  I think after Jeb left is where the intention came out that something fun was going to happen, and the execution was excellent.

Not much to criticize.  A very well written piece, a feel good story...overall this was a charmer.  Not your standard western shootout, but top notch nevertheless.  Well done!


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George Willson
Posted: January 28th, 2006, 7:59pm Report to Moderator
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I'll admit to being thrown by that, but I figured if it kept coming up, I'd ask about it when the names came out.


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George Willson
Posted: January 28th, 2006, 11:43pm Report to Moderator
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The only one that comes close is The Fempiror Chronicles, and it doesn't fit the mold exactly. It has a lot more fantasy elements, more character development than a Bond film, but still a fair amount of action (more, actually, as the series progresses). Fempiror 1x01: Lost and Found actually follows it pretty well, but there's more to that series than meets the eye. I enjoy watching the Bond films and I've read many of the novels as well. I know I'll have one eventually, but Fempiror is as close as I get. I'll have to read yours at some point.


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CindyLKeller
Posted: July 8th, 2006, 6:35am Report to Moderator
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Hey George,
Script of the day!  

This was a cute little slice of life story for the one week exercise.

I know it's hard to come up with something, and finish it all within one week. That's why I wasn't able to enter a script into this one... Not enough time for me this time around .

Now that it's all done and over with, I was wondering if you planned on doing a rewrite on this one? If so, there are a few websites that have lists of the old western slang that could be of use to you. I think that's what writers missed the most when doing this exercise... the speech. It was quite different back then.

I knew that the surprise would be something for either the owner or his daughter. I'd add a little bit more mystery to it now that you have the time to do so. Maybe have the general store man hear townsfolk whispering that the brothers are back, and heading into town. Maybe they could ride into town with their guns a blazin' and when the cloud of dust behind them settles, the towns people would be revealed ready for a celebration. ???

Anyway, cute story, George. I like happy endings.  

Cindy


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George Willson
Posted: July 8th, 2006, 4:25pm Report to Moderator
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Thanks for the read, Cindy.

I've found a certain fondness for slice of life type stories. If you deal with normality, it just feels more real and relatable. I do rather like happy endings as well, much to the dismay of some who've read my stuff.

I like the thought on making it a bit more mysterious, which was really the point when I was writing it, but my original idea blew up into too many characters, so I ended up with this at the end. I might consider revising someday, but I will admit it is very low on my list. The curse of writing so much is that other things need revising more than this one does.


Quoted from CindyLKeller
Anyway, cute story, George. I like happy endings.


Probably 90% of the people do (whether they admit it or not). The other ten percent write and make the films for the rest of their 10% who like to see the bad guy win and then complain when the other 90% don't like it.


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The boy who could fly
Posted: July 8th, 2006, 4:48pm Report to Moderator
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This is script number five for me today , my eyes are starting to bulge out of my head

Anyways, this was a nice little short with a good heart.  I liked the western dialog a lot, this kind of reminded me of this western I saw on tv a while ago, I think Tommy lee jones was in it, but it was another "non violent" western and I liked it a lot.

Your descriptions were done well, I was able to picture this in my head.

It also flowed very nicely.

I knew this guy named Tom Johnson who worked in a grocery store, but he was an alcholic and a coke head, a lot different than this guy.

anyways this was a nice read and I'm glad it got bumped up or I may have never gotten a chance to read it.

Good work George


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Peter Breeze
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I liked it as far as it went. I was expecting a different ending. Something more unusual.
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